Relaxing into a Secure Relationship with Kira Shaikh
In this episode …
Aaron talks with his very first self-love client, Kira, about how she went from past toxic relationships to relaxing into a safe, secure relationship with her husband.
Production by Aaron Tosti
Theme Music by Steve Wilmot
All other Music by Soundstripe
If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. Go to thekindoflove.com/promo
SHOW NOTES
Intro
00:00 min
Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.
A while back a good friend of mine said I should write a book called "The kind of love I'm getting I don't want, and the kind of love I want I ain't getting." an autobiography of weird love stories... so I made it into a podcast.
Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.
Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it
40 sec
Beginning Narration
It’s funny how things work out sometimes. How we go through different phases and chapters in our lives.. and hopefully learn to laugh off the past, having a leg up on the future.
And when it comes to having a great partnership, it takes a level of self - awareness to understand how you are showing up in a relationship, what patterns you bring with you, and understanding what you really want so you don’t self-neglect, and say yes to something that’s in your best interest.
My guest this episode os actually my first self-love client, Kira.
I invited Kira to share her story, how she was a little nervous getting into a healthy relationship, because when you become familiar with unhealthy relationships.. it can feel anxious getting into a relationship that’s actually secure, safe, and feels good .. because.. you’ve never experienced anything like it before or had that modeled for you..
So Kira shares her story about relaxing into a secure relationship, getting engaged in India, and a a funny story on a toxic ex she used to date before she met her now husband.
2 min
Where it all began… on zoom.
Aaron asks what Kira is up to now.
Aaron met Kira she was dating her now husband and now she has a family and bought a house.
Aaron brought up how the different pockets of LA are for different eras of your life.
3:55 min
Kira’s introduction & enneagram number…
Aaron Introduces Kira as… Mom, Enneagram 3… dominating and winning. OBVIOUSLY.
Kira was already down with the enneagram before coaching with Aaron. She is a Big Taylor Swift Fan and things Taylor is definitely got to be an Enneagram 3.
Aaron and Kira joke about how you can’t tell other enneagram types what their number.
6:10 min
Aaron thanks Kira for coming on to the show and reminds her that she’s his very first self love client.
Kira found out about Aaron and hired him as a coach after listening to an older episode of TKOL Podcast.
Kira grew up as a Southern Californian evangelical.
She wanted to reach out because of the framework Aaron was using to coach and she felt like “he might get me”.
7:50 min
What Kira got out of coaching around “the stories we tell ourselves” doing the inner work…
She has just got out of toxic, abusive relationship and into a new relationship with her now husband.
She knew the patterns she was in.
She didn’t feel good enough for the love that she wanted
9:05 min
Aaron remembers their first discovery call…
Kira was taking about comparing herself to to other people.
It was that feeling of always talking down to yourself, that Kira and Aaron could relate to.
Aaron said he remembers laugh because Kira on the first call said, “I’m already engaged to the man of my dreams.”
She was having a hard time connecting all of the pieces between everything she had always wanted, but didn’t feel all of the old spiraling feelings in the toxic relationships.
She asked Aaron for guidance.
10:30 min
Kira asked her self, “Is this real love? Am I really in love or am am I taking advantage of this guy?”
After having an unhealthy pattern in past relationships and realizing she might be the problem.
She wanted to shift the pattern.
Aaron says, “Sometimes things just become familiar, so the unfamiliar becomes unsafe.”
She thought she might be leading this guy on, and she wanted to be all in.
It wasn’t like the past relationship where people slam doors and run out into the street and say “no wait you’re the love of my life.”
“I’ve never felt grounded and at peace before… something must be wrong.” - Kira
12:50 min
What made Kira shift and want to move forward in the relationship.
Kira answered, “I coached with you.”
Aaron asks Kira was the marker for knowing that “this is a yes for me”.
13:35 min
Kira was able to relax into the connection…
Kira said she realized she could relax into a safe relationship.
… a feeling of safety and green flags.
She didn’t have to worry that he was playing games, go anywhere, or not see her value.
14:05 min
Aaron asks about negative self talk..
He had given Kira some positive practices to combat negative thoughts.
She stopped trying to over analyze and shot negative thoughts down.
She said, “This is good ! It’s like learning a new healthy version of love”.
Instead of shooting down your partner, shooting down your own negative thinking.
15:17 min
Looking back now, what was the biggest impact…
Kira shifted the way she views love in a positive way.
She has higher expectation for herself, her relationship, and Husband
She now tries to remember to practice not thinking about herself or circumstances as negatively.
16:15 min
Catching yourself is the victory…
If you’re overthinking facing self doubt, or comparing yourself.. it’s about catching yourself.
Kira says sometimes the pendulum swings to saying things like “I’m neurotic deal with it.”
Aaron says, “Don’t talk to my friend like that.”
Kira is proud of her neurosis.
17:38 min
Love that part of yourself…
They both laugh and Kira comments... are you sure you don’t want that other coaching call?
Sometimes comedians can be dark but there’s a level of playful self desperation
18:33 min
How Kira and her husband started dating…
Kira and her husband used to work together, but she was going through a bad break up with someone else.
Her now husband was respectfully flirty with her. He was always light hearted and never over the line
20:11 min
Kira used to call her husband “party boy USA”
Her friend challenged her.
Kira just assumed she’d quit her job when her husband was straight forward when they dated
He asked Kira if she would delete the dating apps if they were going to be serious.
21:16 min
Kira appreciated that her husband said, “We’re adults lets communicate clearly.”
It gave Kira the space to make her own decision.
He pursued Kira in a non-needy way and was direct and clear.
22:35 min
Kira says, he’s still like that after 5 years…
Her husband doesn’t like therapy.
We don’t diagnose in coaching, just to be clear.
23:20 min
How her husband proposed…
He took Kira to India.
Kira was genuinely surprised.
Jewelry in India are called “ornaments”, they all went to the jewelry store and there were guys with guns out front.
It was a hectic process of buying ring.
25:07 min
Here husband gives her the choice for how she was getting engaged..
Kira thought the engagement was going to happen at the end of the vacation.
She was wearing traditional Indian clothes because she was told they were going to a fish festival.
But they never needed up going.
27:50 min
He gets down on one knee…
He takes her in his mom room and asks if she wants to be apart of his family.. forever.
It was a sneaky way to get her all dressed up.
It was all a surprise set up.
28:40 min
Kira was Sent a picture of the ring in the box by her husbands daughter, and asked “Will you marry my stupid dad?”
They had a big dinner instead of the fish festival.
29:42 min
Aaron asks, “was that TKOL you wanted?”
Kira says “I’ve been amazed every day”
Gone through phases, and it keeps getting better
30:24 min
Aaron says “ I had nothing to do with this, you have a magical relationship.”
Kira said coaching with Aaron helped her relax into a sense of safety.
She said her husband was so sure, and she didn’t want to be unsure.
31:38 min
It’s a choice to love someone..
Getting clear about the relationship
Coaching with Aaron helped Kira sort through the unwanted patterns.
32:34 min
Kira is winning and the Enneagram 3 affirmation Jar
Kira won the relationship with herself.
Kira is winning at life.
33:02 min
Remembering past weird dates…
Kira has other friends with weird love stories that are invited on the podcast.
Use to be with abusive people
34:12 min
Kira’s Ex told her friends he wasn’t an alcoholic..
He tricked her into by saying, “Just between you and me”
Friend thought Kira was drunk all of the time...
Wasn’t romantic, but abusive…
35:55 min
Looking back as an adult and a mom now
Kira realized she her ex had Creeper vibes
911 had to tell Kira‘s ex that he wasn’t gonna die.
37 min
Aaron asked What does self development/therapy world needs
There’s a lot of reflecting to a place of pain
Celebrate growth, and feeling good.
Sometimes there’s too much self diagnosing in the self development world.
38:30 min
What post traumatic growth
Not feel trapped self development purgatory
39:29 min
Thank you, Kira!
Can we laugh about the past and move forward?
46:30 min Closing
Hey, Thank you so much for listening!
Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.
And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.
It helps us grow by sharing stories resonate.
You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com
Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast
Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti
Thanks again,
I’m Aaron.
Best of Love to You
FIND THE FREEDOM TO BE YOUR MOST AUTHENTIC, UNAPOLOGETIC SELF AND ATTRACT THE LOVE YOU DESERVE.
— Aaron Tosti, Self Healing Coach