Everyone Loves Conflict... Right? with Jenny Rain
In this episode …
Aaron talks with Relationship Coach, Jenny Rain, about facing conflict in a healthy and even sometimes funny way. It’s about telling your truth, being heard, and how to navigate emotional activating moments.
Production by Aaron Tosti
Theme Music by Steve Wilmot
All other Music by Soundstripe
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SHOW NOTES
Intro
00:00 min
Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.
A while back a good friend of mine said I should write a book called "The kind of love I'm getting I don't want, and the kind of love I want I ain't getting." an autobiography of weird love stories... so I made it into a podcast.
Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.
Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it
40 sec
Beginning Narration
Everyone loves conflict right? Ha!
If that were the case I think a lot of life would be much easier to navigate if we could embrace conflict better and learn how to resolve it in a healthy way.
To help unpack that conversation…
I'm excited to introduce you to my friend, Relationship Coach and fellow trauma-informed practitioner.. Jenny Rain.
Jenny and I met in the same trauma-informed practitioner camp. We share a similar sense of humor about the process of healing relationships.
We chat about doing our own inner work while going through the trauma-informed process, share each other’s approach to conflict, plus some funny, helpful ways to bring the inner work into conflict in a little lighter, accessible way.
Jenny is finalizing her PHD Candidacy and also brings other modalities like brain spotting into her coaching.
We cover a lot in this episode about the inner work, being a wounded healer, power dynamics in business, emotional regulation, playfully responding in conflict, responding in kindness and honesty, what to do when you are emotionally activated/ triggered, conflict resolution between men and women… and it all ends with a funny story on how Jenny's family dealt with conflict during the holidays.
It might get serious, it might get funny.. here we go..
2:15 min
Jenny able to people that are deconstruction from religious trauma, and it’s so interesting that relationship and relationship healing are so similar.
2:53 min
Aaron said that everything in the last year and a half is a ironic bitch slap in the face by the universe.
After become a trauma informed, life purpose coach… he feels like he lost a sense of purpose and got re-traumatized for a moment.
3:35 min
It’s about the wounded healer…
No one tells you how much the inner work is going to help you, but you have to do the work.
Aaron starts to tear up sometimes when helping clients.
4:33 min
“The wounded child I see in you I see in myself.” - Aaron
The patterns and parts in the client reflect where you’ve been.
But you can’t let the wounded partner drive.
Jenny teases Aaron for typing “Thera-couching… and Aaron replied with “Siri is gaslighting me.”
Talk about a toxic relationship right ?
5:37 min
We are going to talk about our favorite topic.... CONFLICT!
No one has to deal with conflict right ?
Jenny was shocked at a statistic that said that Women avoid conflict at twice the rate of men, and are least likely to repair.
The #1 question Jenny gets is “How do I handle this conflict?"
Jenny helps them have a healthy framework.
It’s like the angry women wondering if she should walk on egg shells.
Women can read the room, and back out before they step into it
8 min
Especially the Power dynamics in Business settings, conflict gets really uncomfortable.
If someone hasn’t had healthy conflict modeled as a child - people are either aggressive or avoidant
Kid’s aren’t taught how to navigate conflict.
8:50 min
Aaron and Jenny joke about how Aaron loves conflict. Aaron loves to take on all of the conflict of the room, and let the mind de-web of inner chaos.
People have a hard time saying what's true for them, and that seems whats underneath.
"How's the other person going to react based on my truth "
Jenny says to be totally honest and totally kind, but as this necessary at this time?
But if anything hijacks you, it seems like that frame work doesn’t exist.
10:45 min
That’s called emotional disregulation.
But you have to get to center in the order of regulate, relate, then reason.
Aaron tells clients, it's ok to feel totally of, and just PAUSE the conversation.
Jenny talks about certain times to talk, her rule is “No conflict before coffee.”
Jenny says it’s about learning to have certain safe phrases when conflict comes.
Some times Jenny’s partner verbally processes talk over her internal processing.
Jenny “will just say “I need a minute" and Pause
12:50 min
Aaron has heard of couples using playful cues. They will play hide and seek, liking hiding behind the couch.
It pulls in PLAY which is the opposite of trauma and toxic behavior.
When Jenny gets activated, she gets lost for words.
14:00 min
When Aaron gets active, he breaths.
Aaron is a man of few words, and often stumbles over his words.
So Aaron practices a lot of active listening.
The chatter in the mind that is happening Aaron notices it, but knows not completely address it when listening to someone else. It usually comes back.
Allow yourself to slow down, and say what you mean.
Knowing when someone is not ready to hear what I have to say.
15:20 min
Aaron was in a group open conversation. Everyone had already said their piece, so all said was”I feel x y and z, and asked "is this the best response?"
It’s a small statement and a question.
16:00 min
Ideas are like arrows, straight and to the point. Aaron has had to do a lot of practice around that.
Jenny reflects on Aaron handling conflict and said Aaron has a calm steady presence.
It’s about stepping outside yourself and look at the 40k ft view to ask the best healing question.
And also doing reflective listening.
Taking time out before we come to judgments
17:20 min
So much of conflict is the somatic stories and the meaning we give it in our brain.
Some times you’re flooded with emotions.
It’s about slowing down and putting distance between you and an activated part.
Shockingly enough it is possible to stay regulated in conflict
18:30 min
Aaron says that everyone should buy a boxing bag and have a room where they work out the activation.
Men amaze Jenny, “Guys can go out side, punch in each other in the nose, and now we're bro's"
It’s about moving through the emotion
Jenny said we’ve lost the ability to have healthy conflict and "the public square”.
People don't know how to fight fair, and hit below the belt.
You can’t have a satisfying relationship with someone if you haven’t learned the skills to have a disagreement in a healthy way.
20:30 min
That comes from the greater global community, where we’re loosing the ability to debate and have dissagreeemt… the micro and the macro.
It’s like hiding behind our cars
I watch a friend tear up after expressing herself fully, because it’s scary, as the peace maker, to share the truth.
21:30 min
Often women are conditioned to be the "good girl”, and not take the lead or us their voice.
Women are silenced to not be able to state their needs and wants, and when they feel safe to express themselves it becomes vulnerable.
Create enough space for her, to express herself..
If a women can speak her truth, she feels safe, welcomed and validated.
23 min
The hardest lesson for Jenny was not to run from conflict in a relationship. If she had a need or want, she had to ask.
Jenny had a conversation with her partner where she told him “it’s more important to be heard than to get what she wants.”
Her partner became a student of her, and her needs and wants.
Her partner said, “I need to know" if this is one of those moments.
Be able to hold what we want for need in conflict, is massively helpful.
25 min
Jenny tells her clients that don’t feel heard in conflict…
It’s about honesty, so communicating that you’re not being heard.
Is it a pattern or micro moment?
I need to stop you, and I just need to know I’m being heard.
You can't make someone hear and understand you, it’s physically impossible.
It’s more important to hear your voice than get what you want.
If you’re noticing that it’s a pattern you have to ask if this is going to be team player or not.
Is this a one time thing or a pattern?
27:40 min
Jenny asks Aaron what he does.
People can get hung up on the micro moments being patterns.and think
Aaron shifts things in the moment. You are always showing and teaching someone the response that you are looking for.
Aaron is all about the PAUSE.
Whats the response that you need right now?
Give yourself what you need and what's in your best interest.
Like saying, ”um but", I could have held a pause there instead of trying to get to my point faster.
Whats the response that you wish that you had?
You get the power to negotiate that moment with yourself
Model and Mirror back what you want to see in your relationship.
30:15 min
What Jenny saw Aaron do in the course correction in the moment, can be true for conflict.
Time out and say “I need to rewind and let me try that again"
Remember that conflict is not a contest, then get curious, course correct, and show compassion.
Always remember that you're on the same team. You’re not fighting against each other but going towards a goal.
Don't make a micro issue a relationship defining moment.
32:25 min
Thats the straw that broke the camels back moment.
It’s the moments when we’re extremely activated and it’s asking yourself if you’re "in it" or "with it”
When you're activated, triggered, and in your whammy.
Be with that micro-moment, not in it. If you let that take over that becomes the somatic narrative.
If you get hijacked by your part, the conflict is being driven by that traumatized part.
People get hijacked and Jenny asks "who am I fighting with right now?" .. it's like a mask over who they are.
Conflict patterns come from family over origin dynamics.
Jenny says it's like “boxing with ghosts”, when a part of someone is fighting with a past family member.
35:55 min
Conflict is one of the best revealer of the inner work. Bingo Jenny you got it!
Thats just a part of that person reacting, so start naming your parts.
Can that part go off duty for a moment.
Being attuned to whats going on.
37 min
Aaron asks Jenny what she would suggest as first steps for someone who's thinking about getting a therapist or a life coach.
When you can't solve the issue, and you’ve done everything you can think of it. When you’re dating the same person different name with same issues.
Some people go straight to therapist, but Jenny would like to see people explore trauma-informed coaching. Therapist are becoming coaches now.
Aaron makes alphabet jokes...
Just get help.
38:45 min
Jenny tried for several years trying to do it on her own but it always got her back to the same place.
The only thing that Jenny knew was best to get support.
Jenny's partner is so thankful for her therapists.
People need support getting through relationship issues.
Jenny's teaches rupture and repair tools.
It's tools not tactics Aaron.
Jenny is launching her course called Courageous Conflict and another short workshop on Boundaries.
It’s about not being so fearful of conflict.
If we can get better at conflicts, all relationships will get better.
40:40 min
You've got to know the terrain and the “conflict landscape”… with landmines
Some people are walking landmines.
Jenny's funny way of disrupted a conflict and bring levity…
One side of Jenny’s family is conservative and the other is super liberal.
And the family would sing “Happy Holidays” carols
42:30 min
Cory Wong has a reel on instagram where the new boy asks about music, the family gets into a fight over music.
And then then new boyfriend ask “so what do you think about politics?”
Each family member had extreme political views, but didn’t let politics get in the way
But Aaron likes the caroling… just find the one thing that you have in common.
44:40 min
This was fun.
Aaron loves chatting and asked Jenny back to bring the arsenal of modalities… parts work, IFS, and all of the things...
Jenny is a PhD candidate and will be hopefully be finalized by March of 2024.
Aaron's on the sideline rooting for Jenny !
46:30 min Closing
Hey, Thank you so much for listening!
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Thanks again,
I’m Aaron.
Best of Love to You
FIND THE FREEDOM TO BE YOUR MOST AUTHENTIC, UNAPOLOGETIC SELF AND ATTRACT THE LOVE YOU DESERVE.
— Aaron Tosti, Self Healing Coach