Aaron's Love Backstory Part 1 - Josh interviews Aaron on his High School RomCom Break Up with "Lauren"

From Aaron caring about what she looks like, to having a savior complex, and then getting passed trying to find “the one”. 

00:00 min Opening Intro & Sound Bites

1:20 min - Aaron narrates

Thanks for listening to the Kind of Love Podcast. I’m Aaron the Love Coach, sometimes professional friend. 

On this first Episode we are going to be unpacking some stories of mine that are what I like to call a weird haunted past. And, How I came to a greater awareness in love. How I had to shift and reframe my now love story. 

And to help me do that I’ve invited my good friend, Josh Hernandez. He has been a long time friend, a buddy, at one time a church mentor. He’s known me since I’v been dating. He’s been a constant in my life. Welcome Josh Hernandez, and some weird stuff about me. 

2:10 min - Coffee Shops

3:10 min - How Josh and Aaron Know each other, they were 14 or 15 years old

3:50 min -Josh “Shepperded” Aaron at Church

4:10 min - Josh has know aaron since he was dating… and churched

5 min -  Aaron liked girls that looked like Gwen stafani, interesting looking girls and converse

5:40 min- converse were a big thing to Aaron 

6 min - Aaron thought there was a certain way the girl was suppose look, but now he cares less how she looks

6:30 min - Aaron wonders if he had Relationship OCD, and finding the one, courtship, and so much pressure obsessed at finding the one at 11 years old

7:30 min - the book “I kissed dating goodbye” really misguided people

8:10 min -  Josh’s dad gave him and Aaron a hard time for not dating enough girls 

8:40 min - Aaron Narrates 

I never read that book, but I was taught that mentality and coupled that mentality with relationship OCD. Trying to find the perfect mate. What 11 year old needs to be finding THE ONE? Thats so much pressure and expectation. Vs.. Just go on some dates.. you’ll figure it out.. thats what I wish I would have told myself.

But there is a rush to finding THE ONE and being compelled to find your soul mate that you can get lost in. When you put that much pressure, pressure meaning expectation on something, it’s bound to bubble over or break down on some level.. something I was unaware of at the time. I couldn’t  allow myself to simple date.. like Josh’s dad suggested. But actually being in a story of having to find the one, actually repelled me from being spontaneous and curious enough to find “A” one and just enjoy my youth. Which I now believe. 

Relationship OCD is like having tunnel vision, being so scared to not find the one, that you miss out on the possibility of finding “A” one. You’ll see how it shows up in other relationships even into my late 20s. 

When you jump into a relationship and think its going to be the best thing ever, it’s like being a toddler and jumping into the ocean and all of a sudden knowing how to swim laps and survive. 

10:20 min - that was the culture of being Christian & dating in the 90s in California, and spirals you into so much pressure around everyone you like

11:10 min - “leave room for Jesus” physical pressure, you don’t know what to do with your hands

11:50 min - Aaron had rules about kissing, the awkward christian spoon

12:20 min - Josh’s perception of Aaron dickies, Adidas, wristbands, 90s punk, bleach blond hair

13 min - Aaron’s brother told him he could die his hair in private school

14 min - Aaron’s first girlfriend aka Goth Stefanie aka “Stacie” they didn’t date that long

15 min - she was older, Aaron hung out with a lot of older people and a thing for the older girls 

15:30 min - she was just always mad at me, “you’re wrong and I’m right “attitude, a little possessive, I’m insecure so I have to project all my insecurity on to you”

16:30 min - Goth Stefanie was “the love I was getting that I didn’t want”

17 min - none of us had style back then

18 min - Josh dated someone who was punishing and awkward, his parents didn’t like her, 

19 min - Josh broke up with her at church, which is weird cause you just see her the next week

19:20 min - Aaron Narrates 

A smallness complex. We really teach people how we want to be treated. I believe our behaviors are based on what we believe about ourselves. I twisted and confused the gold rule. I thought it was treat others better than yourself, instead of treat people AS GOOD as you treat yourself. 

I dated someone that needed me to feel small so she could feel big. So she could feel right. I was seen as bad wrong and incorrect for simply existing in that relationship.  

That smallness shows up in a lot of ways. It sounds like a core false believe like “I don’t deserve this”,  or “I’m not enough”, or “I deserve to be punished” or “I have to overwork and suffer to be in a relationship.”

That’s not true. You don’t have to become someone that you’re not. You don’t have to see someone as better than you, to be in a relationship.  

21 min - girlfriend in high school, “Lauren”, Aaron waited along time to date. They would just stand their looking at each other. 

22 min - “Lauren” was super into Tori amos and Avril Lavigne,  

22:30 min - we dated off and on, first sign of love addiction, physical back and forth, forget all of the bad parts, then go back and make out

23:40 min - you want to live in the glory days, living int the fantasy

24 min - “Lauren” was nice what was the problem?

24:30 min - first signs of bringing problems into the relationship, obsessed with each other, not taking care of myself and loosing myself, there was a lot of drama, getting the life sucked out of you

25:40 min - she was a christian and I wasn’t, the band gave me an ultimatum, she needs to be a christian or you’re not in the band

26:40 min - really judgmental to reject someone for not being a Christian, Aaron didn’t want to break her heart, and not even knowing who you are

27:40 min - church was the place to go find people to hang out, we happen to go to a church that spawned a lot of bands

28:30 min - remembers Aaron being super bummed, “I have this ultimatum and I don’t know what to do”, Aaron had to choose between music or a girlfriend

29:30 min - RomCom Moment, band championship, she was moody, Aaron felt terrible, and my choices were save her soul or keep dating

30 min - Aaron’s choice was “I have to save her soul or break up with her.” 

30:30 - Aaron ended up praying with her, sinners prayer, and Aaron didn’t join the band anyways, “Lauren” must have felt bad, it was messy.

31 min - Aaron Narrates 

I’d like to pause and say that Love actually accepts people for who they are, wherever they are at. If you want to put the true filter of love on someone, you have to have some Mother Teresa no judgement going on. 

With “Lauren” it was really hard. I went in and out of having a savior complex. I didn’t care whether or not she was a Christian. But I was being told she needed to be and there was an ultimatum. This was a red flag. IT can show up in a lot of different ways. When we love people for who they are, we let them be.  

Not having a love filter on at the time created a lot of frustration and confusion. The ripple effect is damaging. We really are just mirrors of each other. We reflect off of each other, who we really are by how we react and how we behave.   

If you don’t understand your partner or someone you love. Controlling them and trying to get them to do something, isn’t helpful. 

32 min - Aaron didn’t rejoin the band anyways, as adults the band and everyone has a different outlook, Aaron and his brothers have become great friend

33:10 min-  missionary dating, Aaron did that a lot, save myself for marriage but also save your soul

34 min - “Lauren” might be on the podcast, Aaron have become friends, but had a lot of off and on back in the day

35 min - when you get to a place when you can laugh it all off, and being friends is rare

35:30 min - Aaron had to become willing to not judging people so much, letting go of what they did, getting past the story

36 min -Josh thinks of having to save Aaron’s soul when in the hot tub, and the pressure of having sex before marriage,  “if I touch your hand, we’re going to have sex”

37:20 min - Josh felt like he had to be the one to keep from Aaron doing anything bad, Josh would take his hand and say 12 inches for the Lord

38:20 min - the love that I wanted or the love that you didn’t want?.. a lot of love that I didn’t want, the cold shoulder

38:50 min - I was getting love from friends and others, Aaron felt cornered, and she wasn’t getting the love she wanted either

39:10 min - the filter we put on in our relationships, the story of only seeing ourselves in the relationships, and so we assume a lot of things about each others

39:30 our mind fills in the gaps, she’s giving me the cold shoulder, but she doesn’t know what to do, neither of us feel supported

40:40 min - its both sided, it always takes two to tango, and I had to ask forgiveness, and we are all adult babies walking, we can only change what we are aware of.

41:10 min - and then the pressure of christianity, I want to date you and make out a little bit 

41:50 min- there was a lot of fear and tension and it took awhile to figure that all out, and there was so much back and forth

42:30 min - after getting into your 30s there was this rush, and confusion, and thats the rush people get in love addiction, we never really resolved

43 min - people get into a rush of love addiction, every time you get back with that person, theres a lack of communication, we weren’t taught to communicate, 

43:40 min - and the physical thing, and you get familiar with that person, the old thing feels familiar, 

44:50 min - Josh says you are still figuring it out cause your friends, she might be on this podcast

45:30 min - the friendship love is what you’re looking for, Aaron was addicted to the rush, but now Aaron just wants a team player, someone who wants to evolve together

Aaron’s Recap 

Thanks for listening everyone.

This was my path of becoming self aware, This was just one big stepping stone across the awareness river. 

We really do just see the world as we are, and not how others are. We see ourselves as expecting to have all of the answer about love up font. But we don’t always know the right course of action. I didn’t. 

And ultimately having this pressure of finding the one and having a savior complex, and a smallness complex, launched me into creating the love I didn’t want. This was based on what I believed about myself back then. 

Having this fantasy of finding the one and feeling the need that I had to save or fix my partner.. created problems for me. It formed a love addiction.. high highs and low lows. Which isn’t the love I was looking for. I brought several stories and beliefs into my relationship unconsciously. 

Next, Josh and I expose some of my dark ages of love. Dating someone that just didn’t make any sense. Someone that was down right mean to me. 

Have you struggled with love addiction? Getting a high fix from someone, and then an extreme low fix?

Let me ask you, what would the story look like without that addictive story? What would your life look like with someone who just loved you for who you are? someone who was already on the same movie script as you ?

I’d like to thank Soundstripe for sponsoring.  They are a great source for music that adds the finishing touch to your content. 

Go to thekindoflove.com/promo and get a 10% OFF discount to a year subscription of unlimited music at Soundstripe. 

Keep creating content, but mainly keep creating the love experiences you want to have. 

I’m your Coach Aaron.

Best of Love To You