Joe & Denise's Love Story Part 2 - Getting Past Your Relationship Fears

In Part 2 of 3 episodes we talk about the fears Joe had in the relationship, Denise being dedicated to healing herself, Aaron’s fears of being in a relationship and how to approach getting past relationship fears. It’s a vulnerable one. 

Part 2 Getting Past Your Relationship Fears with Joe and Denise

1:15min

Aaron INTRO Narrate

Welcome back to part 2 of Joe and Denise’s Love story. In this episode we are jumping into talking about fears in a relationship and stepping outside or getting past those fears. Seeing fears for the illusions that they are. 

I first ask Joe about his fears in the relationship. Then I talk to Denise about how she had this unwavering dedication to heal and get out of her fears in the relationship.   And by the end of the conversation, we talk about some fears I’ve had to face in dating. So its kind of like being in a vulnerable  coaching session with all of us.

Anytime someone is on my podcast it takes a lot of vulnerability. So make sure to join us in this trust tree and open a can of vulnerability. 

I think the most powerful part of this story is the contrast between Joe and Denise of their dedication to the work of healing. Getting past their ego and getting into their essence. When I say essence, I mean their truest best version of themselves. The most honest, authentic version of themselves. 

Being in a relationship can sometimes be like going on a diet or starting a New Years resolution. If we say we want to have a certain relationship, or we want to be a certain way, there’s incongruence there. There’s this lack of alignment in what we say we want, and what we’re actually doing. 

So if you’ve ever felt stuck in a relationship, or stuck in a non-relationship and want to move forward. Or maybe you’re afraid to get into a relationship, this episode will speak to you. 

3:05 min

Aaron asks Joe, “Was that the commitment phobia ? What did that feel like to move into love with Denise?” Joe says it felt safe. Denise would check in on the relationship. He still felt trapped from the fear of commitment. Without a beat Joe would answer  Denise that he was still planning on going to have other experiences.

5:04 min

Joe says I’m already choosing Denise every day. And that felt really good. How his resistance was hurting Denise. He questioned his ego. And then realizes I’m still say yes to this. And then wanted to take it to the next level. Once he let go of the story, it was easy to step into a commitment. And Joe got afraid again after he proposed. Denise never shamed Joe and took that to spirit to heal.  

Joe saw the story as a future possible distraction. And he realized how much love he was being shown.

7:26 min 

To be clear. Denise is not a doormat. She took Joe’s resistance as something that was in her best interest.  She said, “How do I know what’s in my best interest?” She needed to trust the process.  His “no” was in our best interest. “I knew I was becoming a healed powerful women.”  

Those wounds were being healed. And Denise was being shown what I really wanted. 

9:30 min

Denise talks about Joe’s “yes” also being in her best interest. And she was shocked when a proposal came. She through we going to go on as is or she was going to go on being in another relationship healed. 

Denise says, “I was not a doormat. I was fully conscious of the decisions I was making. And I was making them for good reasons.”

10:16 min 

Aaron asks Denise,  “What did it look like for you to overcome all your fear and truly heal?” For most people they might recognize our trigger. Denise talks about her triggers were not to be afraid of, but to be investigated. When Denise would get triggered by her stories, “I don’t matter” and “everybody leaves me”, she would investigate it as a lie. It’s through knowing the truth we have freedom. If you’re believing a lie theres a contraction, when you are believing the truth, it expands. 

Take that to spirit, heres the lie whats the truth? Here’s all of the people that still remain in my life and haven’t left me.  

13:20 min 

Because the ego is designed to be right, it will create behaviors and patterns to make the belief true. Denise used to have a lot of behaviors that would make people not want to be around me. She thought she was being loving and supportive. And then gaining a better perspective. And understanding that what I’m doing is recreating my story over and over. So to have a new story, she had to tell another story, and I have to do different behaviors to get the story to be true. 

14:30 min Music and Narrate

What a level of vulnerability it takes to acknowledge and be honest with yourself? That takes true humility. How often does that show up in your world and in your life were you tell yourself a story that just isn’t true? It shows up and manifests int different ways. 

I love when Denise talks about when she  thought she was helping people, but she was actually pushing them away. The irony is interesting, but thats really backwards. The ego can be tricky. We create our own problems in the relationship and we do it unconsciously. We don’t even think about it. We think we’re doing something great, but our motives are totally off. 

By simply checking in with our intentions we can alter our experience. It moves through the lies and the illusions that we tell ourselves. Changing the driving force from fear to good intentions. You could call that love. 

15:38 hr

Denise talks about more traditional relationships like like dating. They are anxious about how they’re BEING. We bring in stories in to the date. The conversation is motivated by fear. 

16:22 min

But what if we enter the conversation through a completely different door. One that’s about the other person. Say something like, “I’m just here to learn about you.” 

16:55 min

Denise talks about going into dating trying to GIVE rather than trying to get and figure it all out. Aaron knows that that’s been his strategy. Denise hit a point about what Aaron notes trying to find the one. What he calls relationship OCD. Aaron talks about going on dates, being present, and not go to that conversation of wondering if their “the one.”

17:49 min

Denise says, “What if YOU’RE the one?” And not, “is she the one?”. And maybe not the one forever, but at least for tonight to bring some love into her life. Aaron says, “Sounds sexy.” 

18:20 min

Denise talks about a man that healed heal a women by making it about her. It was both sexual and healing. Denise says we require different things. Its not a one size fits all. There’s different ways people need to heal. 

19:40 min

Aaron talks about leaning into a different fixation where he looks at a better future outcome where there isn’t a problem. It’s just a gift and an opportunity. 

20:10 min

Aaron talks about how far he’s come in this conversation. He jokes about Joe and Denise being “Love Sherpas”. The Sherpa can only bring you up the mountain as far as he’s gone.  Joe and Denise have become Aaron’s #RelationshipGoals as he has wanted to create or make or have the experience of true love, rather than the ego love he’s been chasing. 

 21:15 min

Aaron speaks about his fears. Aaron describes his ego story of “not being enough” or “it not working out” and the fear of success.   Aaron talks about it almost being easier being disappointed. That becomes whats comfortable is things not working out.  Denise asks Aaron, what does “it not working out” give you? There’s a reward. 

22:20 min

Denise says its interested that we get addicted to our experiences. We get a hit. What is that hit? It’s apart of a cycle which supports a story. 

Aaron says it keeps him safe from being hurt. We have the choice to keep suffering. It’s the hardest thing Aaron has worked on getting over. And he says this holiday season he’s going out on dates. And discovering for himself. Aaron says, “I know I’m a safe person. But when ever I’m in an ego conversation I’m really just running from myself.” Now I’ve been taught the tools. I’ve gone up the mountain. Aaron is going to keep going.  

25:05 min

This path requires a lot of courage. Denise says, “It’s a trading of uncomfortableness.” Its trading whats familiar, for what you don’t know.  Aaron wants to stay in the familiar and being alone for what he doesn’t know. There’s something that Aaron’s not giving himself permission. 

What the ego makes up is that its going to be far worse. Its stays in the familiar uncomfortable zone, rather than the UNFAMILIAR uncomfortable zone which is like being on offense. Get away from being on defense where you never get the goal, and be on offense. You may get knocked down but you’ll get to the goal eventually.

26:42  min

Aaron talks about playing small and playing “not to loose.” Aaron compares it to folding on poker game on every hand. “I’ve got a full house, but I’ll just fold cause their might be pain and stuff on the other side.”

27:23

In closing Denise brings up the conversation of pain. She asks, “Why do we give it so much value like its something to be avoided at ALL costs? It’s not that big of a deal.” Joe says. “Thats what we teach, that everything we want is on the other side of fear.”

28:10 Aaron’s Ending Narration

The ego is a funny thing. It’s strategy always seems to be going through the back door trying to get something else it thinks it has control over. But it doesn’t have any control over it. But what you really want is right there in front of you, yet we decide to take the ego's route every time. We do this  to try and get what we want rather than just surrendering to what might be better for us. 

What might be better is staring your fear in the face and disarming your fear. Which means disarming yourself. When you’re able to see the fear as an illusion, you’re able to do something different. 

Stay tuned for the 3rd part of this conversation with Joe and Denise on how we can see pain and learn to move away from our egos strategies. What’s outside of these strategies is personal growth in our relationships. And that erosional growth is spiritual growth. 

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This is The Kind of Love Podcast. 

Thank you so much for listening.

I’m your Coach Aaron. 

Best of Love to You.