Taking the Blinders Off in an Abusive Relationship (Barb's Story)

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In this episode Aaron talks with guest “Barb”, a therapist who struggled in an abusive relationship, how she removed the blinders and recovered.

Show Notes

0:25 min - Aaron Talks

Hey guys! Welcome back. How do you see past the blinders in your relationship? How do you take the blinders off when you’re in an abusive relationship? Awareness is so important, and by awareness I just mean noticing. I mean observing what’s going on, telling yourself the truth. 

We talk with my friend Barb as we have faux named her, because this is a very personal story about how she struggled in an abusive relationship. And, how she had to acknowledge and admit the truth about her situation. I asked Barb what are the pain points of abuse and what does it look like to actually recover from an emotionally abusive relationship.

Often keeping the blinders on is a state of fear and survival. If we ignore the red flags we get to keep the relationship. Often someone in an abusive relationship will make excuses to protect the relationship. Often the person being abused will continue to do what they think is a good thing, but will continue the abuse cycle. 

So it’s about becoming aware of your patterns and then also becoming aware of other peoples patterns in your close relationships not to abuse and manipulate, but to understand how to connect. You always want to trust your gut. In Barb‘s case, being a therapist herself, she had all the tools to be honest with herself and recognize what an abusive relationship looks like, but often pride gets in the way and your survival strategy gets in the way of what’s really going on in your relationship.

As we unpack Barb’s story and hear about the incidents that snapped her out of being in an abusive relationship, you’ll hear how important it is to be aware.

2:30 min 

Barb has been so kind to tell her truth. 

Aaron and Barb met on a ride share ride. 

3:40 min

Barb and Aaron bonded over conscious love, the enneagram and being a coach and a therapist. 

 4:50 min

Barb’s survival mechanism is to go silent when it gets weird.

Talking about weird things passengers say to Aaron.  

6:00 min

Barb shared a lot of her story over coffee with Aaron 

Barb’s story lives is true for a lot of people

The pain points of abuse and narcissism

7:35 min

Barbs Divorce and past relationship. 

Barb is a therapist ending up in therapy after recovering from an emotional abusive relationship. 

There’s a spectrum of narcissism

9:00 min 

Barb had to admit a lot of hurt. 

Realize what the relationship was as a apposed to what I wanted it to be. 

It was also hard to admit when Barb works as Domestic violence therapist. 

It was hard to turn the mirror on yourself when your having to accept your situation

10:50 min

Keeping the blinders on is a state of fear, pride, and survival. 

Dropping pride and having to look at yourself and the situation that you were in. 

Barb’s Father was abusive growing up. But her ex wasn’t the same form of abuse.

Becoming aware of red flags.

12:30 min

14 years later Barb saw the red flags and the relationship for what it was. 

The trail of red flags. Barb having to ask herself the questions she asks as a therapist.

Understanding all of the different forms of abuse. 

The story of Barb trying to kick back at her ex when they were in HS.

14:55 min 

Endless red flags

Barb’s Ex had secret relationships that were emotional.

Barb had an unhealthy esteem boost when her ex came back to her after an affair. 

16:20 min

Verbal and emotional abuse are close dysfunctional friends. 

Co-dependents always think it’s their felt.disfunction of owning the other persons emotions and trying to fix them. 

18:00 min

Apology letters disguised as love notes and love bombs to manipulate Barb back into the relationship. 

19:50 min 

“I hurt you, I’m sorry, you’re beautiful, please accept my love.” Is a form of manipulation. 

21:10 min

When does the abuse show up in the roller coaster cycle.

The abuser doesn’t know how to get there needs met and so they’ll do whatever is necessary. 

But ultimately a choice to hurt people

22:45 min

Its a choice to hurt people, gaslighting and crazy making.

You still have a choice

23:20 min

Excuse are a read flag when you start making excuses for your partners behavior. Which is to protect them, but when you start lying for them thats when it gets co-dependent

24:45 min

Excuses and white lies become the game. Its the unloving behavior over time. 

Barb Said she played a role in it. 

Living in the fantasy world of “everything is fine” and having a hard time acknowledging the truth. 

26:50

At the end of the relationship, her ex escalated. And she went through his phone as she caught him in a lie. He was messaging another girl in Nashville. Barb was upset.

Her ex blamed her for him having this secret relationship and  said if she said anything his friends and family were going to hate him.  

29:20 

This is the part of the story where the emotional abuse was a lot like the physical abuse she experienced. 

They do something mean and unhealthy, and then twist it on you and make it feel like it’s your fault. 

This is why its important to understand your partners patterns, not to manipulate, but to understand how you connect. 

Classic move is shifting the blame, Which is gaslighting.

The abuser wants to keep you feeling less than, so they can feel better than.  

31:35 min

Someone with narcissistic tendencies actually has an inferior complex. They feel insecure. It’s more about making the other person feel like they have any power.  

The co-dependent doesn’t feel good enough to leave the relationship. 

Unconsciously being insecure and giving you power away.

33:35 min

Understanding when the other person’s behavior is total crap. Barb says that there were several moment. 

34:00

The story of Barb’s miscarriage. 

The ex was on instagram while the doctor was explaining the miscarriage. It was the moment when the doctor recognized what Barb’s Ex was doing. 

36:50

The final straw was when Barb’s ex invited a girl he was having an affair with to the city on Barb’s birthday.  

Barb filed for Divorce right before her birthday.

39:10

He wasn’t trying to hide his affair. Barb new at that moment that was the final stab. 

The girl was not hiding it.

40:14 min

Aaron talks about the person who may be going through a similar relationship right now struggling. 

The trick of not knowing your in a trans or fantasy. 

 41:55 min

Are you Happy and are you healthy ? And if not why ? And is it you or is it the people around you ?

Don’t ignore your gut, or tell you your gut is wrong

42:55 min

Barb always though she had a great guttural intuition. 

Her ex told her she was right all along, which was the biggest manipulation. 

47:10 min

If not having trust for an untrustworthy person is blamed on you, you should observe whats going on. 

Listen to yourself. That was everything. At some point you allow the crazy making. 

Its part of being co-dependent. You don’t trust yourself enough. You’re giving someone your authority or control. 

49:15 min

The power and control wheel. Barb uses in her therapy practice. Is this domestic violence? 

Financial, verbal, and emotional abuse are other forms of abuse. 

51:00 min

Not putting your personal stuff into your therapy or coach work, yet ignoring your own personal reality. Denying yourself whats true. 

Power wheel wasn’t helpful because barb was in Denial. 

54:10 min - Aaron’s talks. 

Thanks so much for listening as a coach working mainly in harmful relationship patterns, what I’ve observe many times as the problem is denial.  I know that’s a heavy word. You know, a lot of self sabotage comes from denying the truth of what’s happening. You can call it self sabotage. It’s really just a survival mechanism or a survival strategy or pattern that keeps us stuck in that relationship because we’re afraid of what it might look like on the other side. 

Often it’s denial of your situation or your partner or even yourself, but it takes becoming aware that you may be your own worst enemy.  So to start trusting your intuition, you have to be honest with yourself. And then when you’re honest with yourself you save your relationship or at least the relationship with yourself. 

Barb’s story unfortunately happens often and behind closed doors. If you feel you may be in an abusive relationship please find support. No one deserves to be abused. It might take more than just a therapist or just a coach. It might take friend support. Don’t be afraid to reach out. 

On the next episode I talk with Barb about how we develop our codependency from the past. How we develop survival skills or go into a survival mode or strategy or pattern and we play these out to try to get love. They might work for a little while but we need an upgrade. If you’re struggling in a harmful relationship patterns right now and you’d like to connect with me you can go to thekindoflove.com or you can go to @AaronTosti on Instagram 

You’ve been listening to TKOL podcast. 

I’m Aaron. 

Best of Love to you.