Your Codependency is a Survival Skill You Learned When You Were Young (Barb's Story)

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In this episode Aaron talks with guest “Barb”, a therapist who struggled in an abusive relationship, on how our codependency is actually just a survival skill we learned when we were young.

Show Notes

:25 min - Aaron Talks

We are back. We’re back with my friend Barb, Barb the therapist who also went through an abusive relationship. She has been kind to share her personal story with us.  In the last episode we went through her relationship, how it happened, how she ended up becoming aware that she was even in an abusive relationship, and getting past the denial stage.

 Often we put ourselves in a trance and don’t realize it. We want to protect ourselves in relationships. As kids we develop these survival skills, and when we’re afraid we’re not getting the love that we want we go into a survival mode, or survival pattern to protect ourselves from being unloved. 

In Barb’s case she felt like, if she could just be enough, if she could just perform to be enough, and be approved by a parent then she would get the love that she’s looking for and maybe avoid some anger or wrath from her parent. So it’s important to understand and become aware, just notice and observe patterns in your life, and your relationships, and in your relationship with yourself. That’s where we start to see and say, “hey, when I’m scared in a relationship, what’s the normal pattern I go into?” Barb helps us take a look at her survival self, which helped her her for a while. But we need to see these survival patterns, or survival skills that we have and break free from the trap that they keep us in. 

So here’s Barb on understanding survival skills, and then recovering the relationship within herself, and learning to love herself again

2:30 min

Aaron shift the conversation to Ego and Survival Self.  You’re either in fear and anxiety, or in love and observation.

Aaron asks what Barb’s survival strategy is ? 

3:40 min

Barb calls it her Survival Skills

Survival skills can be there for your benefit, but they’re not always healthy and for your benefit. 

The point of survival skills are to get your needs met.

5:10 min 

Barb had survival skills from avoiding her dads wrath.  

It started when she was a kid. “I’m going to be the best”

Barb believed, “I just do good enough, then I’ll look better.” She did this to be threatened.

7:20 min

It was a survival pattern for Barb to excel at everything, but not look at reality.  

8:10 min

Barb’s survival pattern sounded like this..

“If I could be better, he wouldn’t treat me like that.”

“Keep trucking”

Trying to hide and keep your strength. 

“Look the part” is a survival skill of Barb’s family. 

Barb, had the “perfect” Christian family.

10:55 min

Aaron talks about being in a therapist office and recognizing religion and perfection being a problem in his upbringing and relationships. 

The incongruence of whats happening behind closed doors. 

11:35 min

Barb had to realize it wasn’t about God and it was codependency and abuse in disguise.

Humans warp it and make it about perfection.

12:55 min 

Barb felt very angry and fake about her religion. 

Barb is Back to Jesus. 

14:05 min

Aaron talks about changing terms like evil and sin to healthy and unhealthy. 

14:50 min

Aaron asks Barb about stepping out of the fantasy and noticing that the survival skills surged barb for a while but didn’t deliver.  

Barb talks about her “fake it til ya make it” and performance survival strategy to fill a role she felt she had to play. 

Survival skill was based in the story “being good enough”

Sit with your survival skills in the Passanger seat and not let them drive. 

17:10 min

Aaron Asks barb what it looks like to shift your survival skills. Barb says, “Self-care”

Aaron doesn’t know what a bath bomb. Go ahead and laugh. 

Banter about bath bombs. 

18:50 min

Barb says real self care is giving yourself time, attention, and focus. 

Before Barb had  just learned to survive, now she is doing things like journaling, going to therapy, taking time to think instead of distracting herself. 

Barb never felt safe in her own thoughts because she didn’t trust herself. 

20:10 min 

Social quarantine has forced Barb to help her show herself love. 

Yoga, walking, and figuring out other things that make you feel good is a sign of self care.

21:20 min AUDIOGRAM MOMENT

Aaron talks about self-care and self love not being selfish. Its about compassion.

To feel good is good. 

Tune back into yourself, is self-love. Time energy and attention on yourself is self-love.

22:40 min 

Barb has said to who therapy clients, but she’s saying it to herself now. Put your oxygen mask on yourself self. 

Make sure you’re OK alone. 

Putting yourself first is an act of selflessness. If you can be the healthiest version of yourself, then you will actually help the people around you. 

Barb is an Enneagram 2 and she’s here to love. 

24:25 min

What does the En 2 look like in the analogy of putting your mask on first ?

Barb says you can’t love others unless you love yourself. To truly understand love and acceptance yourself you have to love for yourself. You have to love the bad qualities about you. 

25:45 min

Its like covering yourself up with a mirror and focus on others to avoid yourself. 

Aaron says, Giving Freely as opposed to giving to get. 

When your confident it’s easy to spill out the good stuff aka love. 

28:10 min 

Every enneagram number is a different way to try to get love. 

Barb, as an Enneagram 2 was giving love only to get love. 

Martyr complex.   

Enneagram talk. 

Aaron is an Enneagram 6 and steps into trying to fix of all of the things.

30:00 min

Barb has been through a lot, but she sees the silver lining. 

Barb has become compassionate for herself, and in turn has found compassion for others.

Turning down a job for Barb is actually an act of self-love.

Love is oxygen. Lack of love, fear is taking away the oxygen. Does this suck the life out of me? 

33:20 min

Barb wants to be a happy, whole, healthy place whee she can love people. 

34:15 Aaron Finishes

Thanks so much for listening. What are your survival skills? Do you find yourself in survival mode often where you’re just trying to strive to be in a relationship.  Or, are you in a relationship where you can live freely, and it feels more like thriving. Are your survival skills getting you the kind of love you’re looking for?

Please go to the review section and let me know. I’d love to hear from you and what you’re going through and maybe how this episode in this conversation with Barb has effected your life. 

If you’re struggling in an abusive relationship. Please please please find help. If you’re struggling in any kind of harmful relationship pattern at all, please find help. 

If you’d like to connect with me and book discovery call, you can go to thekindoflove.com Or, you can follow me @aarontosti on instagram. if you know someone who might be in an abusive Relationship, share this episode with them, or join a group. Find a therapist or find some means of support. 

Let me know what’s helped you out of harmful relationship patterns. I’m very passionate about helping people love themselves better, becoming more aware, and operate from a place of love, instead operating from fear and survival in your relationship. 

 Thank you again for listening. This is TKOL Podcast.

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to You.