Love Mindset: Communication is the New Love Language

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In this solo-episode, Aaron talks about the 3 components to creating mindful communication in any relationship.

Show Notes

:25 min

What does it mean to have mindful communication ?

Had I known the communication skills that I know today, I would have had a lot more understanding, closure, and depth in my past relationships.

Not listening, not seeking to be on the same page, and creating unintentional injuries is what I wish I could recover from my past.

1:30 min

We do a lot of unawares hurtful things, many unintentional injuries.  Thats what separates us. 

What if we listened first. What if we understood someone else first? Instead of just hearing what they’re saying, what if we understood what they were saying. And then we might also be understood. 

2:30 min

Every relationship is a dance and a two way conversation. 

When you assume someone isn't on your "side", on your team, or in your tribe, they could tell you something true like the sky is blue and you will still feel threatened. That's how we deal with conflict when we are in survival mode. We assume. We think that the other person is innately in our worst interest. That they are there to attack. and so we go into some kind of fight, flight, or freeze mechanism. It’s a strategy to keep us safe from being unloved. 

3:30 min

I was on a zoom call recently and they were asking when you’re experiencing tension, and this fight flight and freeze response fires off in your brain, who do you most get triggered by out of the 4 options family, co-worker, friends, internet troll.. Do you have an answer for yourself yet? Well in the zoom meeting over 60% of the group answer family. Meaning, over 60% when it comes to speaking your mind and stating your opinion, most people feel the weight of a judgmental threat from their family. The people they should feel the most safe with, the most connect with, are feeling the most disconnected and threatened by.

4:20 min

What is happening between the people that you love most? What are you holding on to? Are you creating love with people who are closest to you? and what does that even take to create a healthy connection? 

You get there by having mindful communication. 

Think about communication as the ultimate love language. 

You get there with Mindful listening, Mindful Questioning, and Mindful Intentions.. 

4:50 min

Mindful listening is seeking to understand, then being understood. That's what disarms peoples defense mechanisms. It disarms their fight or flight survival response to react out of fear, and it creates a safe space for you and the person to develop trust and attention. The other person feels seen, understood, valued, and heard, and out of natural human response, and the little mirror neurons in our brains, will most likely want to get to know you. (also a great little love hack for dates)

5:50 min

Mindful questions. Even though you may not agree. Asking mindful questions make it about getting to know that person, rather than the nervous system seeing them as a threat, or the enemy. Questions, not facts, not opinions, not convictions, not judgments, not criticism... questions. Have you ever seen people in fights ? This is why the drama escalates. No one is listening or asking questions.. Asking questions is also a way to seek to understand rather than trying to GET someone to understand you. And, most likely that will be reciprocated. When you position yourself in a curious role, your survival mode shifts to a creative mode and you're not trying to attack or defend. The fight, flight, or freeze response subsides. You begin to develop trust and have that mirrored back.

7:10 min

Mindful Intentions. This could have gone first. The other two are a little more obvious, this one hides in the shadows. Because we don't always check in with ourselves and what our motives are. This one is the most effective step, and shifts everything for the dialogue and purpose of any conversation. What are you wanting to get out of this conversation? Whats the purpose ? You have the choice to steer the conversation wherever you'd like. Setting a precedent, an intention for what you want the conversation to be about shifts everything. The practical steps here is to give yourself a minute to pause, doesn't matter where you are in the conversation, ask yourself what do I want out of this conversation? Where is this headed? You might even say out loud and at the beginning of the conversation what you want the conversation to be about. Put that out on the table for both of you and then hold yourself to it. 

8:50 min

Try it the next time you feel threatened in a conversation, or you can even practice in a non-threatening conversation with someone you already feel safe with. Remind yourself by asking “Am I present and listening?” “Am I asking questions to understand ? And, “What are my intentions right now ?” 

When you’re willing to check back in with yourself, you always have a chance to shift the conversation where you want to go. 

You can shift it from harmful to helpful.

It's all about having mindful communication. 

9:30 min

Hope you enjoyed this episode of TKOL.

If you were able to reframe and had a change in perspective about how your communication is contributing to your relationships, please let me know by leaving a review in the comments. 

If you are struggling with people pleasing, self-doubt, overthinking, and finding yourself chasing harmful relationship patterns. Let me know how I can be a support to you. 

You can connect and direct message me on instagram @aarontosti or find some helpful resources at thekindoflove.com

You’ve been listening to TKOL Podcast.

I’m Aaron. 

Best of Love to you