What I Learned From Over 1000 First Dates with J. Churchill Morris

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In this episode, Aaron talks with J. Churchill Morris about how he learned to bring empathy, curiosity, and kindness after having over 1000 first dates.

Show Notes

:23 min Aaron Talks

I think dating can get convoluted, complicated and you can get carried away in some kind of story you’re creating around a person that’s not reality or hasn’t fully developed yet..

I mean dating especially from your mid to late 20s and beyond. When you’ve been through the ringer enough times. You’ve had some heartache, you’ve had some good experiences that you’ve held onto a little too much. Like the partner that you thought was going to work out, but then set you on a different course. Maybe that was a healing journey, maybe that was just a distraught detour of frustration and heartache to where, you’re not really sure if being with someone something you even care to have.

Maybe you just want to have fun, and never settlin into a relationship ever again. 

I’ve been there. I’m still there. My married friends will tell me they’re thankful they don’t haven’t to deal with dating and the ups and downs. 

And yet I still want to have the enjoyment and excitement of meeting someone new, the relationship feeling new again, and the romance of having intimacy, passion, and excitement.

If you’ve come to any sort of awareness about why things haven’t worked out for you, you’ve realized that the on some level you’re the common denominator, you’re the director of your own dating life. 

Maybe you’ve gone to therapy, or worked with a coach to sort out what about you is holding you back from the love you want. 

It’s challenging right ? You have to look at stuff like you’re past childhood, and what it taught you about love. You have to look at your past relationships to notice what you’ve learned. 

And all the while you’re just wondering, can I just go out on a date, have some laughs and see where the it leads without getting caught up in your head, or getting emotionally devastate like you got from your from your past experiences. 

To say it simply, dating can be overwhelming. So we anxiously chase it or avoid it like the plague.

But it’s about finding your center. Its about learning to trust your intuition and learn what it takes to become a secure person who’s bold enough to date anyone.

I brought my friend and fellow coach  J. Morris who has been on over a thousand dates. Yea, he counted them. 

We talk about some of the key fundamental ingredients to having a better dating life. 

Being curios enough to put your expectations, fears and internal pressure aside to really just get to know someone. 

Being empathic enough to understand where someone is coming from and not project your experiences from the past into the relationship.

And being Present and mindful enough to be on the date you’re actually on, rather than the relationship you’re making up in your head and fantasizing over.

4:10 min

• Jay introduces himself

• J has had over 1000 dates

• J feels like he’s at his best for meeting the person

7:00 min

• J’s values empathy, curiosity, and kindness

• Low expectation of what it has to be

• From bumble date to roommates

• The more you get to know other people, the more we get to know more of your story

9:00 min AUDIOGRAM

• Going in with low expectation

• Best intentions low attachment

• Being present on a date is meaningful

• Intentionally can get toxic when there’s a lot of weight to it

• Getting lost in your head, anxiety that is paralyzing, will get sabotaging

11:30 min

• No rules, just is everyone ok with whats happening

• It’s taken J a while to deconstruct the social expectation

• Aaron comes from a similar background of putting a lot of expectations

13:40 min

• There something interesting that happens when you ask good questions and listen

• Sometimes our best foot forward means too much of us trying to impress people

• It takes vulnerability

• Goal not to rattle of my resume, but let someone share a bit of who they are

• Don’t suck the fun by trying to have deep conversations

16:50 min AUDIOGRAM

• not of variety on dating apps

• Try to think one level deeper when answer

• Leave the door cracked for more

• At our core we just want to be seen understood, and noticed

• Connect on a deeper level on the date

19:20 min

• Acknowledge the power of your story, there’s power there

• Learning how to small talk, dead end questions vs open questions

• Giving your date a round of dialogue, make space for your conversation to go somewhere

22:10

• Where has curiosity lead J ?

• Give yourself permission to not write someone off right away

• Female and male experiences are very different

25:00 min

• a women has usually gone through a lot of men and choose you

• Not looking at people as disposable, these are real people

• Out of all of the potential humans, they’re here with me

• Even though Aaron wants to pick a bone with the app, it’s still easy for everyone to make it about yourself

27:40 min AUDIOGRAM

• the point is not hurry up and find a partner, it’s to be present and really get to know someone

• As soon as J dropped his spiritual expectations, it made it alot easier

• J had a great relationship that was good but ended

• There was a girl J dated, and he was real about not having a long term relationship,

30:40 min AUDIOGRAM

• Not making the other person do the guest work

• Communication always, simple texts, be kind

• Make communication your first love language

• Be the change you want to see in the world

32:30 min

• Meaning making machines

• Aaron’s anxious attachment style

• Ghosting is a two way street

• Being honest stings for a second but is better in the long run

33:50 min AUDIOGRAM

• Knowing your worth

• Knowing your triggers and not projecting

• Just because you have trust issue doesn’t mean you put your baggage on your new date

• Just because your attracted to someone, doesn’t mean they’re perfect

36:10 min AUDIOGRAM

• We all have limiting beliefs

• We like to go into brain entertainment, if there’s no connection move on

• Normalizing the dating process

• Not staying in a crappy relationship because your afraid

37:30 min

• understanding what a false sense of security is

• J’s worst dating story, tacos and margaritas

• The girl was really slow, thought she was nervous, she was stoned

• Lesson: don’t show up high on your first date

40:30 min Closing

• Did you think of something you’ve never thought about before?

• Leave a review and let us know what you took away from this episode

You can connect with J on instagram @churchill.morris or on his website JMorris.co for branding and identity coaching

If you’re struggling with dating, harmful relationship patterns, overthinking and dating just doesn’t deliver, I’d love to have a conversation with you.

You can connect with me on instagram.com/aarontosti

Or at thekindoflove.com

This is TKOL podcast. 

Thanks for listening.

I’m Aaron

Best of Love to You