What I Learned From Over 1000 First Dates with J. Churchill Morris
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In this episode, Aaron talks with J. Churchill Morris about how he learned to bring empathy, curiosity, and kindness after having over 1000 first dates.
Show Notes
:23 min Aaron Talks
I think dating can get convoluted, complicated and you can get carried away in some kind of story you’re creating around a person that’s not reality or hasn’t fully developed yet..
I mean dating especially from your mid to late 20s and beyond. When you’ve been through the ringer enough times. You’ve had some heartache, you’ve had some good experiences that you’ve held onto a little too much. Like the partner that you thought was going to work out, but then set you on a different course. Maybe that was a healing journey, maybe that was just a distraught detour of frustration and heartache to where, you’re not really sure if being with someone something you even care to have.
Maybe you just want to have fun, and never settlin into a relationship ever again.
I’ve been there. I’m still there. My married friends will tell me they’re thankful they don’t haven’t to deal with dating and the ups and downs.
And yet I still want to have the enjoyment and excitement of meeting someone new, the relationship feeling new again, and the romance of having intimacy, passion, and excitement.
If you’ve come to any sort of awareness about why things haven’t worked out for you, you’ve realized that the on some level you’re the common denominator, you’re the director of your own dating life.
Maybe you’ve gone to therapy, or worked with a coach to sort out what about you is holding you back from the love you want.
It’s challenging right ? You have to look at stuff like you’re past childhood, and what it taught you about love. You have to look at your past relationships to notice what you’ve learned.
And all the while you’re just wondering, can I just go out on a date, have some laughs and see where the it leads without getting caught up in your head, or getting emotionally devastate like you got from your from your past experiences.
To say it simply, dating can be overwhelming. So we anxiously chase it or avoid it like the plague.
But it’s about finding your center. Its about learning to trust your intuition and learn what it takes to become a secure person who’s bold enough to date anyone.
I brought my friend and fellow coach J. Morris who has been on over a thousand dates. Yea, he counted them.
We talk about some of the key fundamental ingredients to having a better dating life.
Being curios enough to put your expectations, fears and internal pressure aside to really just get to know someone.
Being empathic enough to understand where someone is coming from and not project your experiences from the past into the relationship.
And being Present and mindful enough to be on the date you’re actually on, rather than the relationship you’re making up in your head and fantasizing over.
4:10 min
Jay introduces himself
J has had over 1000 dates
J feels like he’s at his best for meeting the person
7:00 min
J’s values empathy, curiosity, and kindness
Low expectation of what it has to be
From bumble date to roommates
The more you get to know other people, the more we get to know more of your story
9:00 min AUDIOGRAM
Going in with low expectation
Best intentions low attachment
Being present on a date is meaningful
Intentionally can get toxic when there’s a lot of weight to it
Getting lost in your head, anxiety that is paralyzing, will get sabotaging
11:30 min
No rules, just is everyone ok with whats happening
It’s taken J a while to deconstruct the social expectation
Aaron comes from a similar background of putting a lot of expectations
13:40 min
There something interesting that happens when you ask good questions and listen
Sometimes our best foot forward means too much of us trying to impress people
It takes vulnerability
Goal not to rattle of my resume, but let someone share a bit of who they are
Don’t suck the fun by trying to have deep conversations
16:50 min AUDIOGRAM
not of variety on dating apps
Try to think one level deeper when answer
Leave the door cracked for more
At our core we just want to be seen understood, and noticed
Connect on a deeper level on the date
19:20 min
Acknowledge the power of your story, there’s power there
Learning how to small talk, dead end questions vs open questions
Giving your date a round of dialogue, make space for your conversation to go somewhere
22:10
Where has curiosity lead J ?
Give yourself permission to not write someone off right away
Female and male experiences are very different
25:00 min
a women has usually gone through a lot of men and choose you
Not looking at people as disposable, these are real people
Out of all of the potential humans, they’re here with me
Even though Aaron wants to pick a bone with the app, it’s still easy for everyone to make it about yourself
27:40 min AUDIOGRAM
the point is not hurry up and find a partner, it’s to be present and really get to know someone
As soon as J dropped his spiritual expectations, it made it alot easier
J had a great relationship that was good but ended
There was a girl J dated, and he was real about not having a long term relationship,
30:40 min AUDIOGRAM
Not making the other person do the guest work
Communication always, simple texts, be kind
Make communication your first love language
Be the change you want to see in the world
32:30 min
Meaning making machines
Aaron’s anxious attachment style
Ghosting is a two way street
Being honest stings for a second but is better in the long run
33:50 min AUDIOGRAM
Knowing your worth
Knowing your triggers and not projecting
Just because you have trust issue doesn’t mean you put your baggage on your new date
Just because your attracted to someone, doesn’t mean they’re perfect
36:10 min AUDIOGRAM
We all have limiting beliefs
We like to go into brain entertainment, if there’s no connection move on
Normalizing the dating process
Not staying in a crappy relationship because your afraid
37:30 min
understanding what a false sense of security is
J’s worst dating story, tacos and margaritas
The girl was really slow, thought she was nervous, she was stoned
Lesson: don’t show up high on your first date
40:30 min Closing
Did you think of something you’ve never thought about before?
Leave a review and let us know what you took away from this episode
You can connect with J on instagram @churchill.morris or on his website JMorris.co for branding and identity coaching
If you’re struggling with dating, harmful relationship patterns, overthinking and dating just doesn’t deliver, I’d love to have a conversation with you.
You can connect with me on instagram.com/aarontosti
Or at thekindoflove.com
This is TKOL podcast.
Thanks for listening.
I’m Aaron
Best of Love to You