Aaron's Love Backstory Part 3 - It Just Didn't Work Out with "Cary" Josh & Aaron talk about it

Aaron dates the girl he thought was the one, but it just didn’t work out. He ends up breaking up with someone he didn’t want to break up with. Aaron became fully aware there was a pattern he had, an internal core belief causing the frustration in his relationship. He had to let go and move forward. 

1:25 min Aaron Narrates

Welcome back to the kind of love. I’m Aaron the love and relationship coach. I’ve gone through some weird stuff in my life and I’d love to share it with you. Hopefully me being a student of love might inspire you to go where you want to go in your love story. This last big break up is about freeing yourself. The big lesson I learned is that you can’t control anyone. When you are trying to get someone to see things your way, or you’re trying to manipulate them to do something you want them to do, it always ends up backfiring. 

Instead when we fully own up to who we are and how we feel, thats real emotional ownership. And then we can heal from our frustration and pain and set ourselves free. 

Ultimately this break up led me to become aware of some behavior patterns I had. These internal frustrating, core, false, fear based beliefs that really overtake relationships, if you so choose to believe them. I had to let go and move forward. Here’s Josh and I unpacking the last big one. Cheers. 

2:25 min - “Amanda” ended terribly, and then a girl entered Aaron’s life that was really cool.

3:00 min- now enters “Cary” secret love friends. Aaron wanted to date the shit out of her.

4:20 min - Aaron dated the sweetest girl. She could not be the farthest from the mean one. This relationship really defined Aaron for the next few years.

5:20 min - It wasn’t a bad relationship. It was just two people that couldn’t come together and lead Aaron to this love podcast.  Aaron Completely rethought himself. 

6:50 min “Cary” was discovering the world for the first time. Aaron was her first boyfriend. 

7:10 min - They couldn’t figure out themselves together. Why? Communication. They just didn’t communicate how they felt. Cary had a rejection story. 

8:10 min - Aaron didn’t want to take advantage of her, because she was so young. Aaron didn’t want to hurt her. Aaron put up a wall and was cautious and didn’t want to hurt her. 

9:50 min- Cary moved to Nashville for herself and said the sweetest thing to Aaron about moving to Nashville and also hoping Aaron would be apart of that. 

10:20 min - Aaron shares the thanksgiving story. Josh loves thanksgiving and put pressure a lot of pressure on Cary to make the turkey great.

12:00 min- The next morning after Thanksgiving, Cary woke up crying and said to Aaron, “You don’t love me”. Aaron was confused. Aaron was tired of figuring out what he was doing wrong. Aaron was in the story of “I’m not good enough.” Aaron didn’t think to say, “of course I love you.” Instead they broke up again. 

13:40 min- Aaron was hurt from going back and forth cycle. Aaron got tired. Aaron thinks Cary was scared and uncomfortable to communicate. Aaron and Cary’s stories were hitting walls with each other.

Aaron Narrate 15:20 min

This  is by far the hardest relationship I’ve ever had to get over. I’m sure it was pretty hard fo her. 

But this is now why I believe the quality of your relationship is equal to the quality of your communication. How open and honest do you want to be with your partner? When you assume and hide, and things are covert, you’ll never be on the same script. You’ll never be in the same movie together. It’s really about each person’s self-narrative coming together and supporting each other in each other’s narrative. Rather than denying the other person’s narrative. 

My way of thinking about it is that in relationships you have “space”. Your relationship is its own identity that has a lot of space in it. And what you put into that space, the narrative that you put into that space has to be accepted and approved by each partner. And a lot of times in that relationship space we project a lot of our own BS, we put in our own story or narrative and the other person may not even know it. So its really about talking about that space. Being really clear and choosing to understand and listen about whats in that space.

I had to learn the hard way by denying what I wanted and needed, and she probably denied what she wanted and needed. We didn’t really have the depth of be able to understand and be on the same script. Theres was always an object in the way. A wound in the way of us being on the same script together. 

So now I understand that this wounded story that I brought in to the relationship was getting in the way of us really having connection. And maybe her wounded story was in the way of us bridging a connection. 

On the outside looking in we asking, “why isn’t this working?” On the inside we were fighting ourselves trying to be on the same script. 

17:40 min - Josh mentions that  Aaron might have been looking for reasons to fail or find conflict. 

19:00 min Aaron couldn’t figure out what was wrong and went into a weird season of regret. Josh thinks Aaron really did love her and that it was really hard for Aaron to love someone and not have it work out for him.

21:00 min - Aaron reveals he may have a fear of relationships working out. Surprise point. Aaron scrambled make the relationship work, but Aaron was too late. He thought he needed to fix the relationship, but then Aaron realized he needed to fix things for himself. 

22:50 Min Aaron Narrates

It’s still hard for me to hear that. I really had to let that story go. I think its really hard when you love someone and it doesn’t work out. You have to choose to accept that it didn’t work out. You have to become like a mini-buddha and choose not to be attached to that person or that story any more.  You have to move through it and choose a better story for yourself. 

The fear of succeeding can be scarier than the fear of it being terrible.  So then you create problems in the relationship that didn’t really exist at the beginning. Which is really self sabotaging. These narratives that we tell ourselves, and the stories that we bring into our relationships can really define our relationship in a good way, or tear our relationship apart. And that was my sign of needing to step into more emotional intelligence and be willing to choose a different story. 

24:00 min-Josh and his wife wanted Aaron to be with someone who elevated you. They new Aaron had to figure it out on his own. But they want Aaron to find someone great but they also wanted that relationship to work out. 

25:50 min - Aaron started putting effort into himself. Aaron went into counseling for two years. Therapists are good when they are good mirrors. Then he met love coaches that helped the awareness kick in. There’s a surface level of patterns and behaviors. But then there’s really a core belief beneath those patterns. There’s a deeper story going on. 

28:50 min- Aaron has to be aware of the story he’s attached. He’s done a lot of work around that. Aaron knows what the story is. Knows the self narrative. Curiously cuts through all of the minutia of relationship fear. You have to get present and not put any pressure on it.

30:20 min- Aaron brings up a date he went on. “it’s either going to work out, or it’s going to be a funny story.”

31:10 min-  Aaron says his piece,. Don’t put a templet, or expectations that are unrealistic on someone. That’s just not the person your dating. So move on.

33:00 min- It’s ok to just date. If its fun its fun, and if its not you don’ ever have to go out with that person again. We don’t need to put all of this pressure on it.  

33:35 min - Josh might come back for more funny stuff. Aaron says this podcast is going to have some funny stories and also some real talk.  

33:50 Aaron’s  RECAP

So let me ask you. What stories are you bringing into your relationships? What do you really want? Be honest with yourself. And if you’re in a relationship, make sure that person is on the same script as you. Make sure you are sharing a similar narrative. And that narrative has to hold the same values as you desire. 

Its time to put down the old story and become the person in the love story you desire. 

I had to learn the hard way, and I had to come to terms with that.  And thats ok. I had to find that closure for myself. I’m grateful for that relationship because it’s brought me all of this awareness and led me to be in the love story I desire. To choose for myself what I want and how I want to be seen in the relationship. To really get clear on this wounded backstory, heal it. step out of it and into a different one. A good one. 

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So everyone, keep creating. Keep doing you. Keep finding the better, closer, truer version of yourself. 

This is The Kind of Love Podcast. Thank you so much for listening. I’m your coach Aaron. 

Best of love to you.