Part 2 - Is Pop Culture leading you into True Love or a Love Addiction ? - Aaron Talks with friend Abby Yoder

In part 2 of 2 episodes, Aaron and his friend Abby talk more about the contrast between love addiction and true love.

Abby talks about her awesome relationship with her husband, and what it’s like to be a team. 

What’s the message pop culture is telling you?

1:28 min Aaron Narrates 

Hey welcome back to the Kind of Love. This is part 2 of a 2 part episode. Where I’m talking with my friend Abby about pop culture and the messages that we are telling ourselves.   

We are talking about her and her husband’s relationship, and how awesome that is. And then we talk about my love addiction a bit. We talked a lot about that on the last episode. But, you can really see the contrast of the messages that we tell ourselves, and what true love and true partnership really looks like. It’s not the high highs and low lows Hollywood-type attraction. That isn’t always real life or real love.  

We might meander a little bit, but Abby and I really love talking about this stuff. How expectations from our culture even play a part in the roles we play in our relationship. How we bring our own pressure and our own expectations on ourselves. How to let go of those things and be our authentic self. 

So here’s part two of love addiction vs true love.  

2:30 min 

Aaron came from a divorced family. He says,  “You can be on a team in a relationship, its actually possible.”

2:50 min

It’s so fun to be on a team. It’s such a synergy.

3:20 min

Lee and Abby being a team. They say “I love you and I Like you.” It’s like being on the same wavelength.

3:45 min 

Abby says, “We just want both of us to be in our passions and living our best life.” Abby needed to quit her job and Lee was there for Abby on the same page. Lee already had a plan. They were emotionally a team. It gave Abby a lot of confidence to have support from Lee. 

5:20 min 

There could have been a lot of fears, like “I’m dropping the ball” or “Lee is going to be mad”. 

5:50 min

Abby felt a release of pressure, sometimes pressure and obligation is only in your head. Lee said, “thats not a burden, lets take that off.”

6:25 min

People ask, but Abby says, ” I wouldn’t be writing my book without my husband. A relationship is becoming the best version of yourself together. Without him I wouldn’t have gotten this far in this dream.”

7:00 min

Lee has made big changes professionally. We push and pull on was that are good.“ I know I’m the best version of myself because of him.” - Abby

8:00 min

We’ve been overlapping who you were 5 years ago and who you are now. We’re all evolving somehow, its how we’re choosing to evolve. 

8:15 min

You become a great reflection of your partner, love you and shows you the things that are diamond in the rough. If you’re single its about loving yourself and when you’re partner joins up with you it becomes a plus.  Abby says, It magnifies and encourages all the great things about you, and loves the things about you that you might not like. The things that might be diamonds in the rough. 

9:10 min

It’ s crazy what we make up of a situation. Everything is neutral. Aaron always asks himself, “Who am I doing this for? Are looking for someone’s approval?” (Analytical paralysis voice) When you become self-empowered, you realize you’re doing this for me. When you’re in that true love state, you’re also looking our for the betterment of other people.  

10:20 min - Aaron Narrates

I love this idea that everything is neutral. It’s just what we perceive of a situation. Our Emotions have a lot to do with that. It’s the story that we are attaching to the situation. We place then an expectation on our partner..  But we even place a bigger expectation on ourselves. But when you are looking to do whats best, and by whats best I mean  what’s healthiest for you, that’s when you are typically doing what’s best for both of you if you’re in a partnership. Or Whats best for everyone if you’re looking at the ripple effect of your actions in all of your relationships.   

11:05 min

Abby asks Aaron, “Was calling your ex a relapse or a healthy option?” It was a step towards a good thing. It wasn’t a full on relapse.  It wasn’t a hook up. Aaron says, “It was a step towards my awareness about it.” 

12:35 min

Aaron talks about getting over a smoking addiction and a love addiction was very similar. It was like.. “I can go to the movies and not have popcorn. I can run into my ex and not be in an obsessed loop, self-punishing love story.” 

14:00 min  

Aaron had a fixation he calls “Therapy boyfriend” where he felt he need to fix everything. But then reframed and saw that she needs to grow and have space, and Aaron needed to do the same. 

15:10 min 

Aaron relates the story loop like his addiction to smoking cigarettes. When he smoked he had a flood of thoughts.  He had to get over the mental part. Aaron was getting a biological hit from being in the obsessed story. He knew something neurologically was going on. A rush.

15:50 min

Aaron had to get over that behavior. He started running. You have to mentally getting over the jonesing from the addiction. 

16:40 min 

That helped Aaron realize, I was in a story. We keep going back to our past. I keep running this operating system. This “love story” program to make me feel like me when it doesn’t have to be you. Fear of not having the same experience. 

18:10 min

You break up with one person and so you go back to another ex . And go back to something familiar, rather than something different. Whats distressing is being alone. You have to step into something different to really get over the fear story and the addiction.

19:50 min - Aaron Narrates 

So let me ask you. Are you in a love obsessed addiction in a relationship or lack there of? The kind where you’re really attached to your partner. Or, are you in a partnership where you feel independent and not co-dependent?

Are you where you can be yourself but not emotionally attached in the sense that if your partner went away you wouldn’t go through withdrawals. Or, the expectations that you have on your partner wouldn’t offend you if they didn’t follow through. And if you are recovering from a toxic love, you need to heal. You’re body needs to heal. Your mind needs to heal. You need to move forward and be ok without a hit from that person or the attachment or a fix that person has giving you. 

The more solid and grounded you are, and the more love you have for yourself, the healthier you are. And then you’ll be able to bring that version of you into all your relationships. 

19:55 min

Abby asks Aaron, “how long have you been single for?” How does that feel for you.

20:10 min

Aaron considers himself a hopeless romantic. We can choose to identify with things like movies. You can choose to be in a sad bastard story or something different. Choose a different story.

21:05 min

Abby asks Aaron, what did you listen to instead of sad bastard music? Aaron said, “Anything else. I started listening to comedians.” John Mulaney jokes about his jewish girlfriend who communicates well. Aaron’s old friend also jokingly said, “Don’t listen to Ryan Adams’ ‘love is hell’.”  

22:15 min

Aaron said to himself, “Stop feeding yourself these ‘oh poor me’ stories” What am I telling myself? Having an emotional reactions ok. But how long do you want to experience that emotion? How long is the melancholy ok? Be aware of what am I telling myself in all of this? 

23:00 min

Who do I want to hang out with? You are the sum of the 5 most closest friends you hang out with. Aaron had to decide to be around people that were good and healthy for him. People that you want to be more like. People that would be more of a good reflection in myself. 

23:38 min

It reminds Abby of going from your 20s to your 30s. The Best pop culture reference is the roller coaster Taylor Swift has been on. She may not always be healthy, but she’s being honest about her growth.

24:30 min

If we’re being honest about our growth, as we grow older we ask better questions. Social media makes us feel like we have more friends than we really do.

25:10 min

Abby recalls an old friend who told her,  “You should post more on social media.” And Abby told her, “No, but we could talk right now.” 

26:00 min

Abby says, “My relationships are stronger because I have fewer friends that matter.”

26:20 min

We’re all in a social media addiction. If you want to stay isolated and alone, stay on instagram.  

27:18 min

The apple image of “how much of real life are we living on the internet ?” The best parts of my life are what I’m not taking pictures of. The memories are more powerful. Someone the best pictures are not the best nights. It becomes the smoke screen.   

29:00 min

If you think you’re crazy, you probably are.. and how to get over the crazy in love part. Getting over the highs and lows.  

30:00 min

Abby talks about the expectations on women, on how to show up, the communication is important.

30:10 min

Abby’s shares a story of her step mom and the expectations she put on her self. Abby got her master’s but she doesn’t know how to cook. Her husband Lee said, “It’s cool I don’t really want to date my mom, so no thank you.” Turns out Lee is a way better cook than abby. 

31:25 min 

Abby mentions there’s the stories we tell ourselves and the things we think we had to be, but then when you talk about it with your partner, it’s not a thing.  If you continued to stay in the story? Thats the trap we get into

32:05 min

The best dinner Abby and Lee had was when they didn’t go grocery shopping and they eat an entire pound of bacon and a bottle of wine. 

32:30 min

There was another time when Abby tried to cook twice baked potatoes and sliced her finger. That was a pressure  Abby put on herself that was unnecessary to define the relationship.

33:00 min

Aaron asks Abby, “What was the most foundational conversation that set the course for how your relationship was going to go?” Many people get into high expectations where they don’t show up as their real selves.  The kind of conversation that says “oh cool, we’re on the same page” without putting awkward expectation and pressure on each other. 

34:05 min

Abby was in a rough relationships. She had a guy tell her she was a total mess. He told her she had to fix herself. Abby was really up front with Lee. 

35:30 min

Lee said, “I’m actually interested in who you are now.”  I’m not interested in you withholding what your struggling with. All of those things make you who you are. And I’m also interested in know you after.  Aaron says, “He gave you the drink of water that you needed.”

36:08 min Aaron Narrates

You know I love Abby and Lee’s story. A lot of times we get into relationships and we’re not honest with ourselves and where we’re at.  We don’t start with a solid trusting relationship. And then we wonder why a couple months later, a year later, several years later, a divorce later, why it didn’t work…

I believe that when we are honest with ourselves, we are so much more honest with everybody else. And then we can choose from there what’s best for us. But we need to tell our own truth first. That way we’re not trying to get our partner to do something for us that is really not apart of who there. And we’re not giving each other complexes or unrealistic expectations. 

37:10 min

Aaron says to Abby, “What that other guy said to you could have been healthy or unhealthy. What was your intuition in that moment? How did you know that was healthy or unhealthy? Was it a projection?”

37:30 min

Abby says its good to work on yourself sometimes. But she had a lot of shame. She was healing. He almost gave Abby a “problem” complex.

38:30 min

Lee said, “You are amazing as you are, and its not a problem for me that you’ve been hurt. I want to know all of you, so I can love you better.”

38:80 min

Other dude had high expectations and put them back on Abby. He made Abby his problem. On the other hand, Lee was the first sign of team work.

39:45 min

Abby says, “What was amazing was there wasn’t this emotional pressure.” Lee said, “Lets just be ourselves and see where it leads.” The other guy made it seem like Abby was undateable. 

40:20 min

Lee was healthy. It was a tone of, “I want to date you and I’m cool with however that looks right now.”

40:40 min

The foundation of Lee and Abby’s relationship was based on, “let’s put everything out on the table.” They already knew each other. It was like they were word vomiting. 

41:00 min

The other dude made it seem like Abby had a disclaimer. Lee made it safe. They were long distance. At that point Abby was a career girl. She felt free to be herself. She needed to know that she was free to live and follow her dreams.   

42:00 min

Our culture is trying to dictate who we are through a narrative. You got to show up and feel like you’re your authentic self. Your partner need to let you be your true self. That’s true for both guys and girls. 

42:50 min

Abby was the bread winner for a while. Lee felt pressured to be in some professional role. Abby had career as an OT. Abby told Lee he didn’t have to be in some traditional role. 

43:46 min

Abby talks about a lot of men, especially creative, entrepreneur types that feel a lot of pressure about being the provider.

44:35 min

It’s changing your perspective into the love filter. You could see this as a good or bad thing, but we are always attracted to our equal and opposite matches. The fear filter might be “ oh no I might loose myself.” Or, They could highlight and support the other person’s strength in the relationship.

45:08 min

When you’re in love. It’s a together thing. we think about the whole as much as the parts. The only way to do that successfully is to shut out the fear and expectations, especially the cultural pressure and judgements. You have to be able to say the truth even if its’ painful. Get it all out there so you can move forward. Any says that Lee and her aren’t perfect, but its been six years and its the best. 

46:25 min

Aaron starts to wrap up with mentioning pop culture, love addiction, and the messages we tell ourselves. Aaron was told that you are good or bad, but he states that its really about being healthy or unhealthy. 

47:04 min

Aaron says that when it comes down to boundaries, if you can get present and ask, ”Is what I’m about to say to my partner going to be helpful or harmful?”

47:16 min 

Abby mentions asking yourself, “What are your baseline beliefs about yourself and there other person? Do you believe that your partner has your best interest?”

47:48 min

Watch the stories. Watch your self projection. Check your pop culture references. Your music. Your movies. Don’t make a playlist of sad bastard, make a playlist of self empowerment and confidence. Make it about loving yourself and other people. 

48:20 min Aaron’s Closing Remarks

Thank you so much for tuning into the Kind of Love Podcast. Maybe you found some truth in this episode. Maybe you’re in an awesome partnership. Go you! You are winning at love, life, and relationships. 

Or, maybe you’re someone who’s struggling right now in your relationships, or you’re confused. I was confused for a long time and I get that. Start telling yourself the truth. Be honest with yourself first. Then you have the opportunity to create an awesome relationship with whomever comes your way. 

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Thanks for listening to The Kind of Love Podcast.

I’m Aaron, Your Coach. 

Best of Love to You!