Part 1 - Is Pop Culture leading you into True Love or a Love Addiction ? - Aaron Talks with friend Abby Yoder
In part 1 of 2 episodes, Aaron and his friend Abby talk about Aaron quitting a love addiction and what it means to actually have true love, choose someone, and be in a romantic partnership.
What’s the message pop culture is telling you?
1:15 min Aaron Narrates
Welcome back to the kind of love podcast. I’m your love coach Aaron. What are we telling ourselves in our love story? What are you telling yourself in your love story?
When I first worked with my coach, she told me to change the station. Our mind actually works in story form. And we play out the same thoughts on a daily bases. And if we really want something to shift and change in our life, like our love story. We really have to change or thoughts about things.
I don’t know if you’ve ever met someone who has a story loop, they call it a feedback loop in your head that keeps playing over and over again. The person keeps talking about the same thing. You offer them advice. And then you go a little go a little crazy because they keep talking about the same thing. Well I was that person for a little while. And it wasn’t until the moment when I was trying to rethink and change myself. This was a defining moment with my new friend Abby, who I call an emotional guide, because she came in and offered me a gift of this song that really helped me see clearer in that story loop.
They say the first stage of grief is denial. And when someone in your life dies, its hard to accept that they are gone. And when your relationship passes on sometimes you become in denial that its really over. You make excuses and you talk about things over again like thats going to change something. It doesn’t change anything. You just need to snap out of it.
Well this profane rap song by Big Sean that we talk about, actually helped me snap out of the story loop that I was in.
I want to clarify, because this song is so polarizing. You could almost misinterpret my reaction as me flicking off my ex and telling her to screw off. But it wasn’t really about that, it was about me creating a boundary. And that boundary was the first rock across the river of awareness and stepping into true love that I needed.
We can only change what we are aware of. I had to realize that I wasn’t loving myself by being in a love addiction. I needed to become healthy. I needed to stop giving my power away to somebody else. So thats the truth that I saw in this song that we’ll talk about. I have nothing but kindness and respect for my Ex’s, but I also needed to grow up.
So what radio station are you playing in your head. What story loop are you on? What frequency are you tuned into? And if for some reason your offended by cursing maybe wear some ear muffs, because this is what snapped me out of the sinking hole of misery that I was in.
The Conversation
4:25 min
It all started when Abby and Aaron first met and she told Aaron, “I feel your pain right now and I’m going to play you a song. Stop everything! This is what you need in your life right now.” They ran into each other years later and Aaron told Abby that Big Sean’s “I Don’t F*ck with you, changed his life.”
6:20 min
Abby and Aaron talk about how bazarre the song is. Aaron talks about how he’s an adult and sometimes he says the “F” word.
7:20 min
Aaron says the f word when it makes sense. He talks about how cursing can sometimes be an emotional release. You can’t suppress things in the body, you’re eventually going to explode. Yelling out can be cathartic.
8:25 min
Back to the song. Aaron listens to the song and his mind explosions. It snaps him out of his love trance. Aaron says, “That’s the thing I needed to hear!” Abby talks about how Aaron was being too nice and it was hurting him. Aaron was giving his Ex the benefit of the doubt, too much. Abby says that Aaron needed to put up a boundary.
10:00 min
Aaron hadn’t forgiven himself. Aaron almost gave her to much credit. He was in a victim mentality, and thats how he stayed stuck.
10:20 min
Abby says, “You put the blame on yourself.” We take that on because we want to justify why we dated someone.
10:50 min
Aaron released it takes two to tango. Your relationship is always a dance. This girl just needs attention, and for women sometimes needing attention becomes the love addiction. Abby mentions Charlie Poofs “You just want my attention, you don’t ant my heart. “
11:55 min
So even though the song is ridiculous. Aaron wouldn’t call her up and tell her she’s a stupid ass bitch. But there was some truth that Aaron needed to hear and stop playing her game. Abby says “You needed the frame of reference shift.”
12:35 min Aaron Narrate
This really shows how “stuck” I was. I was in the “stuckness” of blaming myself. It became apart of the addiction. And my smallness complex just kept me playing small. But I was tuned into the wrong channel. The wrong radio station was playing. I needed to reframe and shift what I was telling myself.
13:10 min
Aaron and Abby don’t get how big Sean’s creative process works. What was Big Sean thinking when he wrote that song?
13:50 min
Aaron would love for John Cusack and Jim from Jimmy Eat World to be on the podcast. They have also been emotional guides in his love story.
It comes down to the messages that we are telling ourselves. When Aaron met Abby, she gave him the truth love bomb he needed.
15:30 min
Aaron clarifies that he doesn’t hate his ex girlfriend. Its all in observant love. This was a self acknowledgement. It wasn’t about her it was about Aaron.
16:00 Aaron now sees all of his relationships as a gift. If something offends him, that trigger or behavior can teach him more about himself.
16:30 min
Abby notes that Aaron and his “nice guy” feedback loop is similar to girls who get into a feedback loop of an attention game. And it gives the girl who’s just looking for attention a validation to keep doing it.
17:00 min
Abby talks about boundaries. They are often misunderstood as a sign of unkindness or that the person is being mean. We can forgive someone and still have boundaries.
17:30 min
Aaron comments back that the addiction then becomes “I need approval from other people.” Abby seconds that with, “We’re not saying she’s a F*cking Bitch. What we’re saying is that you needed to hear this song to get out of the loop.” Aaron needed to be clear about his boundaries.
18:00 min
Abby thinks sometimes people try to be manipulative about boundaries and they say things like “You’re hurting me.” But thats not true. Boundaries are good for both parties. And Aaron really needed one.
18:05 min
Aaron shares his panick attack story. Aaron didn’t know what to do. Aaron had separation anxiety. Aaron was quitting the relationship and going with withdrawals. He invited his ex over and it calmed him down. They didn’t make it about getting back together.
20:10 min
Aaron learned to set boundaries, and stop reaching out to her. I’m ok. Be a mini buddha. You need to fall in love with yourself and be ok with myself, cut the neediness
21:00 min
Abby talks about the difference between wanting to be in a relationship because you can’t be alone, and actually wanting to be someone.
21:40 The withdrawal period is like quitting smoking. Aaron had lost some of his identity and a way of defining himself. Abby mentions that you also loose biological responses withdrawing from a relationship.
22:25 min Aaron Narrate
Love addiction is the biggest thing that I overcame. One friend told me, ”Hey man it’s like you want to go on a diet but you keep going back to the same restaurant that serves pizza, and other bad foods. “ Because I just needed that fix for a while. When I quite smoking, I also quit my ex-girlfriend. And to clarify, it was that I quit my attachment to her. I really overcame needing somebody.
It’s this neediness in relationships that we get so attached to that person that we don’t know who we are anymore without that person. Thats what you would describe as co-dependency.
But when you think about it in terms of attachment, you really start to separate yourself in a healthy way. Whats me? What am I responsible for? What are they responsible? What am I creating in the in-between space?
So the practice of non-attachment becomes “I love you. I’m into you. And I really like being around you. But I don’t necessarily HAVE to have you to be ok with myself.” And thats where true self-love comes back in.
23:45 min
We’ve all broken up with someone and called them back, right? You know, call them, text them, write letters, or maybe you’ve been like Aaron and written sad bastard songs.
23:30 min
You can listen to pop culture and be empowered or you can have unrealistic expectation. Abby Listened to RomComs and thought the guy was going to show up on her door step. As a woman I had expectation on how love was suppose to go.
25:55 min
Abby sent the love letter. She thought grand gestures were important, but that doesn’t always work. Be consistent, and be honest in a relationship. Not just expect someone is going to show up for you based on one gesture.
25:30 min
Abby adds that in her marriage now, she has to say what she needs. And she has to ask for honest. Her husband had to tell her that she needed to share how she felt. He can’t anticipate all your needs. 27:20 min
Abby and her husband were long distance. You have to really choose the other person when you are in a long distant relationship.
27:45 min
There are two things Aaron wants to be clear on when he knows its not just a fling. He says, “ One, I want to see you naked at some point, and also I want to see you the next day.” Because then you start to decide to choose that person today, and then choose them tomorrow. And then choose them the day after that and so on…
28:20 Abby says that if you’re honest, all the assumptions and weird expectations are cut out. Either its happening or it’s not. Aaron mentions there’s endorphins that go off when you are honest and direct.
29:00 If your’e wondering “What should I text him?” Exactly what you just said out loud and were honest about. Be your authentic self.
29:55 min
Aaron thought a date was cute, but she said “actually I wasn’t feeling it” Aaron said. God bless you. IT was like a splash a water in the face.
30:30 min
Aaron has worked on not filling in the gap with text messaging. It’s like what Aziz Ansari said, “what did you put your phone in a locker and go ride a roller coaster ?”
31:30 min
If she never messaged Aaron back, Aaron would have said, “Hey I was really interested, are you open to going out again?” In the past Aaron would have stayed silent and beat himself up, or did another move to get her attention which would have sucked.
32:45 min
Aaron says, “ I could have gone into needy behavior. But instead, now I’m good on my own. I don’t really need this girl.”
33:10 min Aaron Narrates
So this is why I think intentional dating is so important. Intentional dating turns into an intentional relationship. You’re choosing that person, but first you have to choose yourself. You have to choose who you are. Ground yourself in who you know you are, and who you know you want to be with.
Because I think we get into relationships and the love looks more like trading than giving. What do I mean by that? You get into relationships and after the honeymoon phase is over it becomes a trade. You do this thing for me and I’ll do this thing for you. And then there becomes a stage of keeping score. Instead of freely giving who you already are. And feeling like you are who you are in the relationship.
When you start to give away parts of yourself, because someone’s trying to get that from you, instead of freely give and receive. Thats when things go downhill. So ground yourself in your intention of who you want to be in the relationship.
And always check in with that. Let that be a compass. for who you are. You’ll never loose yourself. You’ll always be in the love story that you actually want to be in.
34:30 min
Abby used to be afraid of hearing a “no” in a relationship, but now sees that there is a lot of power in a “no”. People are afraid to say a yes or a no. Aaron compares dating to Netflix searching. “I’m five minutes in and this episode sucks. What about the next one?” Or maybe you get to the climax but your scared of the ending so you bounce.
33:45 min
The stories we get into.. “if I saw her walking down the street, I would have judged her differently, but then I got in a conversation with her, and wished I would have ask her out.”
35:15 min
We have so much comparison. It’s easy to make a snap shot judgement. Not do anything about it, or let go of your judgements and be open to possibilities. Not everyone see dating that way. Most people are no thank you, next song.
37:40 min
Aaron states that true love can be hard, its easy to swipe left and swipe right and play into the physiology of dating apps. Aaron feels exhausted on dating apps.
38:40 min
It’s easy to type cast someone. But we are kind of all ignorant on whats good for us until we ask ourselves.
39:15 min
At one point Aaron had two ex girlfriends texting him at the same time. A friend said to him, it seems like you date girls with low emotional IQ. Abby tells Aaron that you want to hold out for people that are on the same level as you, someone thats going to be a sounding bored. Someone thats going to work on things together.
40:50 min
Aaron came from a divorced family and had a hard time seeing until much later that a relationship can actually be a team.
41:40 Aaron Narrates
HA ! You can actually have fun in a relationship!
Thats interesting. Synergy. Connection. Love. That’s possible. I guess it’s all defined by what frame you’re looking through. What channel you’re on.
Stay tuned for the next episode. Abby and I openly talk about being a team in a relationship, and the dynamic her and her husband have. How she brought some misconceptions and false beliefs into her story. How they weren’t true. And how her and her husband overcame those things.
Thank you so much for listening to this conversation about love on The Kind of Love Podcast. If you dig the music and you want to listen to this shameless promotion. You can go to TheKindofLove.com/promo and get a 10% Discount Off a full year of unlimited licensed music at Soundstripe for.. the films you create, for the youtube videos you create, for the instagram videos you create, for the podcast you create, for the DIY at home “I love you mom” on her birthday kind of videos that you make.
I had to throw something in there about love.
Thanks for listening.
This is your Coach Aaron.
Best of Love to you !