Be in a Great Relationship with Yourself, First

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Show Script

24 sec

Be in a great  relationship with yourself first. Are the struggles in your relationship patterns about you, or about somebody else ?

This idea would have been helpful for me when I was younger. I’m looking for my other person who knows themselves really well and is open to knowing themselves well. 

Nobody completes you. They support you. They come along side of you. 

1:15 min

If you’re struggle is being single and you’re wondering why you have triggers, red flags, hang ups, and internal conflict. It’s because you don’t feel whole. There’s a lack you feel. There’s something about you that is missing.

When you feel better about yourself, confident and like you are feeling your best self, it will seem a lot easier for your partner to show up. You’re not so concerned. You’re not needy. You’re not worried. You’re not in conflict whether you’re person is going to show up. 

Don’t give away the end. Find out what you need to feel whole and healthy again.  Define who you are first. Then you can make a list of a million things of what you want in a partner. Until you know who you are you’re not going to be center or clear on who you want to have in your life as your other 

2:25 min

If you’re in a relationship with someone and there’s conflict. Your partner is just showing your inner conflict. If we can loo at ourselves and see what we can change. If we can see our partner as something of a reflection to understand ourself better. When we first fall in love we really just see and feel a reflection of who we are. So we feel better about who we are. 

Overtime, if a relationship deteriorates one unloving behavior at a time, we start to to loose a sense of ourselves. We start to loose our way. Something feels off. So when we feel good about who we are and where we want to go, things start to change. When we feel different we start to change our perspective. When we change our perspective, we reframe the story. 

3:30 min

I’m not looking for my other half. I’m looking for another person who is whole. When I see that person they are just a gift showing me how I can better show up in the world. They are a reflection of how I can be better. They are a reflection of how I choose to be. 

I drove for a ride share company for a while. At the end of the ride a guy in his 20s asked me why his girlfriend thinks he’s always going to cheat on her. I didn’t have a lot of time to explain, but I said, “You know that’s really about her and not about you.”   

We bring our fears and struggles from the past into our relationships that aren’t always true.  Because we don’t always have a great relationship within ourselves, and understand that, we bring our traumas, pains, wounds, and frustrations in and project that onto our partner. 

4:35 min

So we need to become healthy and understand ourselves better, why we operate, how we think and feel, and then claim ownership over those things. Until we get clear about that, we’re probably going to continue to make a mess of things. 

So I don’t really want another half. I want someone who feels whole. And I want that to remind me that I feel whole and complete.  And I don’t need the acceptance or approval of someone else. I don’t need that gross codependent, needy thing that says I need someone else to complete me. 

5:15 min

So many of us form believes as little kids.  We watch other relationships and the way other people behave, and we form conclusions with our developing amygdala. Then those memories become big shock ways of trauma. Then the fears of that trauma or story happening again for you creates all different ways that relationships unfold for you. 

So becoming aware of what you’ve been telling yourself and how that shows up in your life is always the first step. We all are a bunch of grown up kids who are learning. We slow down a bit but we don’t stop. 

6 min

Form a better relationship with yourself, first. Be kind to yourself. Be compassionate towards yourself. Understand what you believe about love and relationships. When you know better you do better.

One of my favorite statements to say when someone is afraid of a relationship or I might be afraid of something, I say “that doesn’t have to be true. So what else is true?” What else is out there? What else could be true? Open your gaze enough to see what else could be possible.  

Our fears create a tunnel vision to only see the same story over and over again, nd live in a scared place of saying “it’s just always going to be this way.” Well it doesn’t have to be. And when you start believing in your self again and understanding, getting more confident about yourself, you’re able to see clearer the kind of relationships and love you want to have. Ask, “Is that the kind of love I’m wanting ? “ Nope ! I’m going to move over here and look at this other and of love. Ah thats the kind I want. Lets focus on the kind of love I DO want. What would that feel like ? 

7:25 min

We believe with our hearts.  And our thoughts reflect back to what we believe in our hearts. 

I believed for a long time that relationships are hard work. It’s just real hard work to love somebody. In a sense they’re not fun, it’s just a lot of work. Or I believed that they just don’t work out. Or that there is some kind of imprisonment to being in a relationship. 

I had to reframe that. I had to see a different perspective. Because that was just the continual story I kept telling myself. So one of the big questions I ask myself is, “what would fun feel like in a realtionship? What would enjoyment feel like.” And then when I focus in on that. And when I see and understand more of that, I focus in on more of that. I feel more of that. 

I stop telling myself the old story that..

 its going to be a lot of hard work, or they might not be into you, 

or you might not feel accepted, 

or you’ve got to change for somebody else, 

or they’re going to mistreat you, 

or they’re going to abuse you, 

or they’re going to lie to you, 

or ALL women are.. (fill-in the blank)

Or ALL men are.. (whatever you normal say here)

And so we create these limitations around or relationships based on what we believe about our experiences and what we believe about ourselves. 

8:45 min

So get to know you. Get to know your intuition. Get to know what love feels like for you. Get to know what love looks like for you. Not what is HAS looked like, but what you WANT it to look like. Go from feeling the kind of love you don’t want, from the kind of love you DO want. 

Understand your limitations, so you can get past your limitations. Understand the yes and no of what you do want and what you don’t want.  

Start making a choice about the kind of person you want to become that will attract the kind of person you want to be with. The other whole person you want to be with. Feel completed. Feel a sense of confidence, clarity, love and appreciation and you’ll start to see the kind of love you want show up in your life. 

9:45 min

Hey thanks for listening to The Kind of Love. This season is packed with conversations about having a better relationship with yourself so you can have a better relationships with others.

This season is brought to you by me, Aaron. You can visit me at theKindofLove.com or @thekindoflovepodcast on instagram. Please fill free to share this with your friends, your mom, your partner.. accept don’t bring thi s to your partner and be like “you need to listen to this, you need to change !” Thats not cool, kind or loving. 

You could sit down and listen to it with your partner instead of watching Netflix. 

Thanks so much for Listening.

I’m your coach Aaron

Best of Love to you.