Brothers Talk about Love after a Break-Up
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Show Script
Welcome back, hopefully you’ve joined me on the last episode where My brother Dave and I spoke about holding space IN the relationship.
Now we are going to talk about holding space for yourself in the aftermath of a break up.
When we recorded this interview, my Brother David’s relationship had come to an end.
I think to the degree of which you spent time loving someone determines the degree you will spend recovering from a divorce or a break up.
One time a friend told me for every month you date someone you should only spend about an hour reflecting and recovering from that. I think t’s different for everyone.
But I think there’s something to that. The question is “how long do you want to spend experiencing the break up?”
And what does it look like to hold space for yourself when a relationship is really traumatic.
Many times its just like a death, and you have to set side time to mourn, surround yourself with people that love you, and give yourself time to reflect and heal.
It’s interesting to hear Dave’s perspective on when you’re really IN IT. And what your friends think you need and what you really need. Only you choose to let yourself recover.
You have to get back to having a good relationship with yourself.
So here is some more on two brother’s talking about love.
4:45 min
Detachment and if the buddha dated.
5:38 min
Detachment after a break up. Aaron mentions that he was told that he was still in a relationship with his ex.
6:30 min
Daves says I’m not going to lie, I’m still attached.
David talks about the level of depth he had with his ex. And it was a sign of all his transformational work.
And the break up doesn’t feel congruent with all of the depth and love thats truly there
10:00 min
David begins talk about the practice of non attachment. Its a quiet practice of being ok and not needy in a relationship.
11:26 min
David compares detaching from a realtionship to the death of his friend in high school DR. That was an early experience of detachment and feeling abandoned.
12:26 min
David and his partner would practice say I choose you and I love you today, everyday.
13:15 min
Aaron asks David about feeling abandoned after the death of DR. Aaron shares a story of walking in David’s room right after DR died.
14:45 min
David talks about the difference between a grandparent dying, and a close friend who’s on your same level.
Anytime someone dies you get a reminder that we’re just here for a moment.
17:36 min
Aaron asks Dave about his recent break up and surrendering and letting go after the relationship was over.
When you’re going through a break up you’re surrounding what is lost, and trying to care and have love for yourself at the same time.
19:00 min
Aaron makes the point that when you’re in a lot of pain you ARE self absorbed. And explained his experience in recovery.
When you’ve had a detrimental break you feel exhausted and you’re checking your emotions and your vital signs.
20:10
Aaron asks Dave what the aftermath looks like, and what’s been helpful.
David talks about slowing down. Choosing not to judge yourself or keep up in an action oriented world.
21:32 min
Dave talks about the judgements he has on himself to DO. In a break up you need.
Dave says to everyone, “I’m not functioning how I normally do.”
23:00 min
David talks about how not everyone has done the work to know what to do when you’re in the muck of a break up. Talks about not needing anyone’s advice and holding space. A break up is like going through a death.
Not a lot of people take the time to ask, “hey what do you need?”
24:50 min
Aaron Talks about a friend who gave him emotionally unintelligent advice to go sleep with someone else after a big break up. And Aaron says, what’s really going on is he doesn’t want to see his brother suffer. And hopefully see the other side for him.
26:15 min
Dave talks about American culture not want to experience discomfortable. But Dave sees this is a spiritual teaching. He asks, Pleases don’t disrupt it.
David said surrendering is saying “I don’t really get this, and I’m not going to try but just be in it.”
28:00 min
Aaron talks about minding the process of breaking up.
Aaron was resistting to not want to be in pain, but also knowing that you need to feel through pain to understand. And also, when your stuck changing your energy and not living in that emotion.
You have to feel through it, identify it, and then release so you can get to a point when you’re pass that.
Mind the process of how you greave. Aaron mentions being sarcastic with himself. Sarcasm brings awareness to the inner self critic.
30:00 min
Dave talks about our culture is not a feeling culture. Let go ok in allowing the sadness. The crying pass through, it can be cleansing. Aaron says we’re afraid to look ugly, instead let out a good cry man.
Allowing yourself to cry is holding grace and compassion for yourself.
33:00 min
Aaron asks what do you want the story to look like? As is that even appropriate ? Dave says he’s not in the space to think about a future partner.
Still minding the process.
Aaron asks whats the love you want to receive? Whats the kind of love you’re not getting that you do want.
33:45 Dave says, “I’m in relationship with myself and looking for the healthiest me.”
Dave is much more connected with loving yourself. You’re spiraling if you’re not in that space.
“There’s plenty of time when I don’t like me, but being ok with not liking me.” And then you beat yourself up more.
Aaron mentions that it’s Feeling bad for feeling bad.
35:50 min
Letting go of all of the judgments you have on yourself.
Dave says its like being in a room with yourself telling yourself, “Put the gun down. Its alright self”
37:00 min
Should’s are heavy judgement statements. Dave keeps thinking about how someone is going to judge him or make fun of him for going to the spa.
It’s a sacred space for Dave. Aaron coins the phrase, SPAmaste.
Aaron tells Dave to Keep taking care of himself, thats true self-love.
38:30 min
David and Aaron banter and talk about the ice cream truck that looked like an abductor van.
39:30 min
David and Aaron talk about surrounding yourself with good people.
For the people that are post break up. Slow down, love yourself and surround yourself with great people that are willing to just BE with you.
You know the self critic wants to have you return to what you know. And when it comes to a break up. Just know that it’s ok to not be ok for a little while. Recovery time takes time.
The best thing and the first step we can do when we’ve experienced a break up or a separation is slow down and listen. Listen to ourselves mainly and take this time to be an opportunity to see what we’ve learned.
If we can reframe our break-up as a gift. If we can reframe our ex as a beautiful gift just teaching us more about where we’re at, how far we’ve come, and how we can love better.
But before you try to do anything. Pause to a complete stop. Stop all of the survival self mechanisms to want to fix anything and go through the emotions your feeling. We all have divergent variations to fight, fly or hide from our pain. But facing it head on, and moving through it is the only way to get to the other side.
Only then will you gain a better relationship with yourself.
If you’re struggling to gain grounding in your relationship with yourself, there’s help out there. Find someone who can support you in your recovery. A therapist, a coach, a counselor, a solid friend. Know that you’re not alone and that though your circumstance is unfortunate. There’s people who get it.
Thanks for listening. This episode is brought to you by be a personal coach who supports people in overcoming their harmful patterns in their relationship with themselves and others.
Thanks for listening. I’m your Coach Aaron
Best of Love.
I really want to explore these painful stories and wounds from our past that we bring into our relationship. Ultimately we get our emotional buttons pushed a lot in our relationship.
We don’t just overnight fall out of love, we fall out of love one unloving behavior at a time. Is it possible then that we can restore our relationship one LOVING behavior at a time ? I believe they can restore it one loving behavior at a time. But it always takes two to be in a relationship.
I talk with Dave in this first part about how to cultivate a conversation in your relationship at the very beginning, to create a foundation around it so you can begin to love and trust each other.
When our emotional buttons are pushed in a relationship, it’s not really about our partner, its about us. And the hurt, pain, annoyance, or disgust is really about our pain from the past that we need to overcome and heal. Our partners behaviors just reflects back to us that pain and that hurt.
You’ve probably heard that hurt people, hurt people. And I believe healed people can heal people.
So how do we cultivate a relationship where we don’t harm each other and where your partner isn’t your problem ? Where you recognize that your wounds are your problem.
I talk with Dave how he set up his relationship with his partner with the intention to not harm one another. We’re imperfect human beings, but its important to create space in the relationship to give ourselves the love and respect that we need to heal.
What do I mean by space? I mean the ability to have compassion, empathy, trust, and to not react or harm your partner. Its the ability and the emotional intelligence to understand that the pain you hold onto is not about your partner, it’s about you learning to love and accept yourself. Then, you can grow back your relationship one LOVING behavior at a time.
When we get committed to truly loving ourselves in the relationship, we’re making a commitment to loving our partner. When get an understanding of choosing ourself in the relationship, we then grow the capacity to choose our partner as well.
Dave and I grew up under the same roof. II believe the story that “I’m Bad.” The shame story we bring into our relationship and we let it reek havoc because we believe we’re bad. And if we believe that we’re bad, it will show up in real life.
Our brain wants to reinforce that story. But the truth is we’re not bad. We need to look at that shame and shine a light on it so that we don’t keep continuing the harmful cycles and patterns.
This episode is brought to you by me a personal coach. I work in self-love and self-acceptance. You can go to the kindoflove.com and sign up for the newsletter and you’ll get podcast updates and be sent love inspiration.
Here’s a couple brothers talking about love.
Interview
4:50 min
We just get the moments we don’t always get to record the moments. Boomerangs thoughts will come back and what was that awkward funny thing ?
5:50 min
Brother’s banter about the intro.
6:30 min
Aaron brings back up his awkward not kissing for 3 months. That was a terrible idea if you’re teen and beyond.
7:40 min
Dave says every moment was awkward with so much sexual tension. Especially who’s being told your bad for thinking sexual in anyway. Dave says its like being constipated.
8:30min Aaron and David grew up with the same awkwardness. David points out that all we were told as young teens is “sex is bad”.
9:50 min
You’re going trained when your young to deny yourself of sex, and that you can’t have it and that you’re bad for having it. Shame is the worst.
You just wanted affection.
Dave says “when you just want to hold hands and then all of a sudden it skips to German dungeon sex. And then you’re told you’ll be in hell.“
12 min
Aaron talks about the fear of “if you even think of a girl in the wrong way you’re going to hell!”
Dave says, “it’s The root of glitch. “
Dave messes with Aaron and jokes about messing with all of the hosts.
Dave almost ditches his story almost brings it back. Aaron makes a hard turn and jokingly asks Dave if he wants to talk about the deep ocean of Melancholy in a relationship that has just sucked the life out of you.
14:00 min
Aaron brings up holding space in a relationship.. What does this look like when you are really frustrated with your partner?
Dave talks about setting that up at the beginning. Its common when you’re angry, the other person wants to put a bow on it and solve it and wrap it up.
It’s an important to acknoledge with the other partner that you need a moment. And then being willing to actually remove yourself. Its easy to get pulled back in.
Changing your environment and honor each other. It may not about be you it could be about the other person. And you also give space to the other person.
Dave says, “Ask what is about for me at the core, that is tripping me up?”
17:00 min
When you’re giving yourself space you’re also giving them space as well. Many people want to be in that unhealthy space where you want to force and fix it. The “We want to make this right right now”
You’re saying, “I’m for you and I believe you’re for me.”
Not live with resentment for many days. Or you may need to acknowledge that and tell your partner.
I get that it’s my problem and I’m working on it. Ego wants to be right.
When you create space it creates deep roots. To be able to trust one another in the muck, they’ve got to go work on their “stuff”. And that helps the relationship feel anchored.
19:30 min
Aaron talks about starting a firm foundation. Aaron says that in his past relationship if he would have had this practice his past relationships would not have been as messy. And then asks Dave how he established foundation in his last relationship.
Aaron talks about being open and honest. And understanding at the beginning of a relationship understanding that you have a wounded past.
21 min
Dave said a lot up front to his ex on the first date even. And they set that foundation right up at the front.
22:00 Dave talks about setting an intention on the first date.
Dave says, “Why wouldn’t I be my most authentic self?” You have to be honest about who you are and your intention.
You have to be sensitive and understand where people are at.
Dave said at the beginning. “I’m not a game guy.” Just Be pure and true the best you can. Then you don’t bullshit mask each other. We’re only hear for a short time.
24:14 min
David committed to never cheating, and said, “if for some reason I’m so attracted to someone else, I’m honest and I will just tell you. Hey I’m really attracted to this person.”
When your in a committed relationship, your intention is to do no harm. You may do some cause you’re human and hopefully not a lot and check in on that.
The downfall of every relationship is lack of communication and honesty.
Red flag warning, if you’re dating someone thats not having that conversation with you, or if you don’t feel like you can be honest up front, you should or get out.
26 min
Get clear about who you want to be in the relationship. Who you want to be also dictates what you want back.
Give what you want to receive.
Aaron didn’t know these things growing up but doesn’t want to beat himself up either. There was a lot internally going on that held him back from having those conversations.
27:00 min
Dave says now I think about how he wants to navigate the conversation with his kids.
We got taught a certain way. And we need to not beat ourselves up about it and re-teach ourselves.
Aaron says we’re all a bunch of big children walking around.
Aaron narrates
We all are a bunch of big babies walking about, Like tall children that have grown up. We’re grown up kids. And we’re always learning. We come into this world innocent. We fall down and then we fall down and get back up again. Every person is just learning how to walk. The codependent person wants to get into a relationship and think that they can fix, or solve, or save the other person from their problems.
The mirror comes back in when we see our partner as ourself, or we see our neighbor as ourself. Then we’re able to look inside ourselves and save ourselves first. Save ourselves from our own pain and sufferingThat begins by telling ourselves the truth. It begins with awareness.
I love that Dave set up his last relationship to be a safe place and to learn and to grow as partners. Unfortunately the relationship ended, and thats ok.
If we go into relationships trying to understand ourselves better and grow, then we gain the capacity to love each other more and more.
Part two of this interview with my brother David is about detaching from a partner, learning to heal and become more aware after the break up.
Whats the aftermath look like ?
Often times we get into a relationship we fall in love, and then it seems like out of no where something changes. Maybe we see patterns that loop around and come back. We get exhausted from those patterns that repeat and resurface. It looks different for everybody.
No matter what side of the break up we’re on we feel like that person changed or we lost ourselves. It’s still confusing and frustrating. The more we come to clarity and truth about ourselves and love and accept ourselves. The more we have capacity to love someone else in a relationship. And then we bring our newer self into the next relationship.
Even though a relationship doesn’t last, we can see our partner as something of a gift to teach us more about ourselves. We can see our judgements about our partner as something they need to work on, OR we can see it as a reflection of something in ourselves to heal.
In this next part we’re going to talk about holding space for yourself AFTER the break up. There is a grieving process that happens. A lot of times people want that quick fix or that cure to get back to normal and act like everything’s ok. But thats the exact moment that it’s time to become really aware of what actually happened in the relationship. It’s a chance to look inside yourself and see what you created in the relationship that was harmful and change that about yourself.
Thank you so much for listening. This episode and many to come are brought to you by me. I’m a personal coach that deals with love and self acceptance. You can got to thekindoflove.com and download a pdf on more self awareness, self love and self acceptance.
If you like the music on this podcast you can go to thekindoflove.com/promo and get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music.
Thanks again for listening. I’m your coach Aaron
Best of love to you!